Thursday, December 19, 2013

1st Maternity Appointment

I have had many of them scheduled but I haven't made any maternity appointments until yesterday! Yay for me!
There is still a heartbeat. 9 weeks 5 days. My husband is calling it a boy. Which is probably true. I want a girl really badly so I am calling it a boy so that I won't be sad when it is. To be fair, my baby (who will be 5 in March) is a boy and he is the love of my life.


My due date is July 19th. I didn't want to know before because I can remember every other due date. All of them. All 5. And it stinks. When I got pregnant with my kids it never even occurred to me to worry about a miscarriage. I bought maternity clothes and baby clothes and made plans. I don't get to do that any more. But I'm planning now. It may be premature. I am not out of the woods yet. But I can't hold back. I want so badly for this baby to make it to the world. I am all in now.
This one feels different than the others. For one thing, I am way sicker. For another, I feel hopeful. Even after we saw the heartbeat (which means very low chance of miscarriage) I couldn't lose the feeling of dread that I felt with the last pregnancy.
My husband says regardless of the outcome that we are done with having kids. He just turned 40 and is feeling old. But I feel like this is why I am here on Earth....to be a mom. I want to savor every second I get with these precious souls.

This poem keeps running through my head lately:

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won if he'd stuck it out.
Don't give up, though the pace seems slow -
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man;
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late, when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out -
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are -
It may be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit.

I love it. And I am not a quitter. I am a whiner (ask my hubs), but I'm not a quitter. 

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Encouragement

So now that I have finally accepted the fact that I will be devestated if this preganancy ends in a miscarriage I have decided to take my husbands advice and be optimistic. I hope so desperately that we can have and raise this baby. I rub my stomach and tell the baby how badly we want it to come to our family. That we love it already and to fight so very hard to stay with us. My husband says optimism will work and more importantly that the pessimism that I have felt is detrimental to the pregnancy. I'm not sure if any of it makes a difference but I guess it's worth a shot.
Sidenote: In my last 2 pregnancies that produced children my pelvis separated around 6-7 months in. It is very uncomfortable and is hard to function daily because of pain or potential pain. I have noticed that after reffing for a couple of hours that my pelvis and the insides of my legs are hurting. If this is not a symptom of pregnancy than I am worried that I am developing arthritis or something. Ouch!

Still Beating

I was fully prepared for there to be no heartbeat so you can imagine my joy when the doctor found one. I asked him to make sure which is silly. This was the doctor that did my ultrasound with the last miscarriage where we made it to 8 1/2 weeks. I thought maybe he was a bad sign (if I believe in signs). But his first response was to smile widely. I was so glad and shocked. We are 9 weeks today. I felt pretty good today until after I reffed 2 high school games. Then I felt awful and crashed. I guess if I feel better I need to not worry so much about the pregnancy. I will try.
My next appointment is Wednesday for an actual maternity appointment. Wow. Never thought we'd get this far.

Friday, December 13, 2013

Almost made it to 9 weeks

This morning I woke up with my stomach feeling fine. No stomach pain and nausea so far. So, this is horrible. I am convinced that the baby has died at this point. The last time this happened there was no heartbeat. I am not even hopeful. I realize that this was the most likely ending to this pregnancy. I have an appointment for an ultrasound in an hour. I just want finality. I let myself get hopeful and have expecations. I should have guarded myself more but I am an optimist. Even now I cannot stop singing Christmas songs. Life goes on.
Last night my husband and I discussed our options for the future. Early miscarriages are easy on the body and the spirit. Getting this far is physically painful and there is recovery time. I just don't feel like I can put my body and my family through this again. But I've never been a quitter. I had so hoped that we would get a kid our of this so that we could just be done. I wonder if I will ever feel like I am done raising kids. It may be the regret of my life that I stop when I could end up with a child out of the journey but what is the cost and am I willing to pay it?

Sunday, December 8, 2013

8 weeks

Had another ultrasound on Thursday. Still a heartbeat. That puts us at 8 weeks yesterday. Still hoping for the best and expecting the worst. But I do feel like crap so that is good.