Letter To My Friend

Hi Tiffany,
I felt inspired to share an experience with you. So here you go.
Right after I had my first child, Normandy, I started to experience ear problems. Loss of hearing, vertigo, tinnitus, all sorts of stuff. It was really no fun. And I had a really hard time accepting what was happening. I was finally getting to be a mother and I could not understand how I could be sick. I was really sick. I couldn't do anything when the dizziness hit. I had a hard time with my faith. I had always been taught that if you have enough faith you can fix anything. This is not true and it is also a hard lesson to learn.
Flash forward to 10 years. I was still having ear troubles. As I was trying to get the kids to school in the morning I had a spell of vertigo and I fell and hit my head on a cupboard and kept hitting my head because I felt like I was falling over and over. It happened just feet from my kids. This was one of the only times my kids saw me be dizzy. I tried really hard to shield it from them. So I was particularly upset. I called my dad and he came to my house.
My dad is wonderful. He is good old boy. He worked construction my whole life. He always had grease under his fingernails and a super tan face. He is strong and really stubborn. He was the perfect dad for me.
Just as he was getting to my house another spell of vertigo hit. My dad walked me to the couch. He found ginger powder and made me take it with water to stem the nausea. Then he knelt in front of me and rubbed my shoulder and then he said something to me that changed me forever. My big strong dad with tears in his eyes said, "If I could do this for you I would." And I knew he meant it. There's a whole other story here because my dad has walked through more sorrow and grief than most men and came out the other side so I didn't have to. Another time....
After he put me to bed and the dizziness subsided I had time to ponder. I had always perceived my Heavenly Father as a distant being. I knew that the trials we had were for our own good. That all this stuff would make me better. That I had to go through challenges to be God-like. I thought of my Heavenly Father sort of like a scientist in a laboratory. You know, let's see what happens when we do this to her. How will she respond if we do that?
It became really clear to me that my Heavenly Father felt towards me as my own Dad does, When I am struggling and my trials are very hard to bear, he is in front of me saying, "If I could do this for you I would." I am so sure of this. And when I'm mad that crappy things are happening, He will brush it off and love me anyway. When I call, He will send help. When I'm suffering. I am not alone.
I'm so sorry for what you and your little baby girl are going through. Cancer is a jerk. I hate it.
I hope you are faring well enough.
With love, Karyn

Day by day

So, it seems pretty weird to be writing about how hard my life is now that I have 3 babies. When I started writing this I was trying for just one and would have been ecstatic to know that I would have these precious little souls to raise. But that doesn't negate the fact that it is hard. It's 11 at night and Abe is in the swing and Reagan is in a wrap on my chest and I'm tired. I sleep a couple of hours a night if I'm lucky. Tonight was supposed to be the first night we put Abe in his own bed in a bedroom with J. He seems to know what is up so he is ready to party. He is so sweet. Every time he catches my gaze he smiles so wide. I just love him so much.
It's next to impossible for me to even stay caught up on my housework. It takes me 2 hours to get everyone fed and changed and happy in the morning. And that doesn't include a shower for me and sometimes, a bra.
A couple of nights ago after a particularly harrowing afternoon, my husband called. I was on my way from picking up my son from lacrosse practice and Trav asked what was for dinner. Is he serious? My afternoon was nonstop babies and kids. But I did find time to dictate to my daughter what to make for dinner. Nice girl that she is she made dinner. I made green beans with the help of my boys.
I keep reminding myself that in 5 years it won't matter if my house was a mess or if my kids had toast for dinner. My babies are only little once and I don't want to miss a second of the preciousness of holding them and feeding them and even changing them. They are so special. It is amazing to me every day that I get to raise these wonderful, challenging children.

Letter to my OB

Dear Dr. Bean,
In February 2014, you were my doctor as I delivered a miscarriage at 18 weeks. This was my sixth miscarriage in a row. I wanted to let you what an impact you have made in my life since.
While in the hospital you quoted a stat for what our chances were for having a healthy baby. And I laughed. I remember you coming up by the head of my bed and assuring me that I could have a healthy baby in the future.  I wasn't ready to hear that but it stayed with me.
When I went in for my 2-week appointment with you, you said that you really thought that I should try to have another baby. My heart wasn't in it, but I kept thinking about what you said, over and over.
My husband was done with the whole process and ready to move on.
We started fostering a baby in May of 2014. Her mother became pregnant again in July of that same year. We were informed that this new baby may come to our home as well.
In August of 2014, my husband decided that he wanted to try to have a baby one more time. But if we didn't get pregnant by the end of the year, we were done and this was our final try.
As soon as I got pregnant I knew we were through trying to have another baby. Whatever the ending was, we were done. I saw you for most of my early appointments. But one appointment stands out in particular. We had received the test results from the panorama test. It was all good news but I still wasn't ready to feel optimistic. You put down the paperwork and looked at me and said, "This is going to have a happy ending. I promise."
When other people had told me that everything would be fine, I always said, how can you know? It hasn't been fine in the past. It was on the tip of my tongue to say this and then, I believed you. I feel like you were inspired that day to tell me these words. That day was the day I decided to embrace the pregnancy and prepare for our new little one. I repeated what you said and replayed the memory of that interaction often.
I didn't get to see you for many later visits. Dr. Melendez delivered our little girl, Reagan, on July 6th.
Thank you for your optimism and your kind words. Thank you for being willing to offer your words even when I didn't want to hear them. I appreciate what you do, you take care of more than the body.
In less than a month, my family will be going to the temple. We will be getting sealed to our babies that are 19 months and 5 months. They will be formally adopted the day before. In the course of a year we are adding 3 babies to our family. And we are finally done with having babies.
Thank you,
Karyn Labrum

Trying for 7

This is Baby Stark. He was born middle of March. I guess I should change the name of the blog to trying for 7. Our new little baby due July 5th will be #7. It is a girl and we are planning on naming her Reagan. The naming of babies in this household is becoming increasingly difficult because the older kids feel that they should be part of the process. My oldest son actually wore me down enough that I gave in and that is why the little man will be named Stark once we adopt him.
I am officially 28 weeks 2 days along with this pregnancy. The baby seems great. She is active and all the tests came back normal. Just a waiting game....
Things with our little foster baby are going great. Birth mom dropped out of the picture the end of November. We haven't had to do a visit since. Baby J is great. She is still pretty behind. She just turned 16 months old and still can't walk proficiently yet. But her vocabulary is coming along. She started using a couple of signs and she has a couple of words that she says consistently. We love her and are so glad she is part of our family. We have a TPR scheduled for the beginning of May. At this court hearing, the parental rights should be terminated. Birth mom hasn't had contact and has been arrested for drug possession numerous times. And there is no dad on record for either of the kids. It should be a pretty easy hearing. In fact, our caseworker told me that we should contact an adoption attorney, which I did today. Waiting for a call back. But I can't believe that we are at this place already. Baby J will be #5.
That brings me to #6....
We had a court hearing the beginning of March. This was mostly to wrap up the case with for J's older brothers who we had for over 7 months. They went back to dad and seem to be doing great. You could have knocked me over when birth mom showed up to the hearing. She was incommunicado for over 3 months and had active warrants for her arrest. But she waltzed in and took J from my husband and held her for the whole proceedings. It was agonizing for me.
She was 8 months pregnant at the time. When she disappeared, she still wasn't showing and so we wondered if she really was pregnant. I wondered if the baby could survive the lifestyle I assumed she was living. Birth mom reported to court that she was clean. That she wanted to get J back. That she was entering a rehab the very next week that would allow her to keep her new baby. It was all very surreal.
I expected to have to do visitation the next week if the reports were accurate. I waited on pins and needles. Now, I am a proponent of foster kids going back home. I don't want it to seem like I'm not. But in this case, I know that birth mom is not capable of caring for Baby J. And I worry that since she is so loved and coddled that is will hurt her to be in an environment where she is sort of an afterthought.
I was napping the next week, which I do every day. Being pregnant at almost 40 is not easy. I got a phone call from the caseworker which I ignored. I didn't want a visit. Then another call which I ignored. Then a text. I figured I would check out the text. The caseworker said call ASAP. So I probably swore and then called. She said the day we knew would happen has happened. My heart sank. But no visit or change. Birth mom had her baby. He tested positive for drugs in his urine. This is bad. Usually they have to test cord blood for babies. It means it was really recent use to show up in his pee. The baby would be removed from mom's custody immediately. Did we want him?
Did we? I told Trav that I would say no when this day came. This pregnancy has been hard for me. I feel like we are complete and don't need to try any more. I feel overwhelmed by what's on my plate already. Is it fair to my other kids? But then I felt this overwhelming feeling that we should and so I said Of Course.
Baby was 4 weeks early. Which is common in drug exposed infants. He weighed over 5 pounds. He was doing good but was being monitored for withdrawal symptoms. I asked if I could see him and was told it was fine. I just needed to wait for the warrant to be served for removal. The removal officer would call. That was at 12:30. So I called Trav. Told him we were taking the baby. Which, saint that he is, he was on board with. Then I scrambled to try to find gear for a preemie baby in less than one day. We were told we could bring him home the next morning.
I finally couldn't wait and called the hospital around 6. Everything was in order and I could visit around 8 after the shift change. So I went shopping for the little guy and then went to the hospital. When I first met him, I fell in love. He was so tiny and helpless with no one in the world to care for him but me. And so even though we didn't know if we would be able to keep him or what was in store, I was going to be his mama for as long as he needed. Nothing held back. I was all in. The hospital treated me just like his mama, too. That was nice.
He was able to come on Sunday morning.
He is now 5 1/2 weeks old. He is doing great. He is over 7 pounds. He is cute as a button. He has a really loud cry. His withdrawal symptoms have mostly abated. He likes to party in the middle of the night. I hope he gets that figured out before Reagan comes.
In my last post, I was so sure that our baby was a boy. I could feel a boy's presence. Now, I have no doubt that I was feeling Baby Stark. I am not clairvoyant or psychic. Even though it does run in my family. But I could tell we had a boy coming. It's nice reassurance when I feel overwhelmed and tired and wondering how we will do 3 babies.
So, we should be able to adopt these 2 kiddos by the beginning of June. And Reagan will be born soon after. Now that I 'm old they won't even let me go to term. They say there are too many complications that can crop up. So, I won't be surprised if she's a little early. My placenta deteriorates and calcifies early. But my babies like to go late. Not a great combo. That's why my first 2 sons were induced and it was a little scary. With Steel we monitored and I sat around and drank lots of water and he did great. We will see how this one goes...
I am so happy and excited to get to raise these little ones. I know it will be hard but this is what I was put on Earth for.