At my last appointment on Wednesday, I was 11 weeks, 3 days. The baby's heartbeat was very strong. He was moving around, waving his arms and legs. He looked great. I asked the doctor if we were out of the woods. He said not until 12 weeks. I said but I'm 11 and 1/2. He said there are no studies that show 11 and 1/2. They only show 11 and 12 weeks. I asked so the chance of miscarriage are higher in week 11 than 12 and he said yes. He said that once we reach 12 week the chance of miscarriage are less than 1%. I've heard all the percentages before and I know that I lie in the less than 1% range. So I said but not for me. And he said, not for you.
My husband didn't want me to make an appointment for Christmas Eve because he didn't want me to ruin Christmas. I told him that if I was still sick I would go, if I felt better I would cancel. I was pretty confident with the way that I was feeling that the baby would still be there. And he was. And I was able to enjoy Christmas. I didn't have to wonder if my little baby was still with us.
So, I want to say we are out of the woods with this little baby but until I see the heartbeat again, I guess we can't count on anything.
Since I've stopped taking the progesterone, which was 2 days ago, my nausea has gotten a little better. This has freaked me out completely. Both nights since then I have stayed awake panicked that my baby has died. I'm pretty sure when the last baby died, I felt better instantly but I worry that it may be gradual this time. I've been sneezing without my tendons feeling like they were ripping in half. But when I woke up this morning, my stomach hurt really bad so that made me feel better.
I started out with this pregnancy believing that we really would get a baby out of it. I feel like its a boy. I feel like I can sense his presence. My husband thinks this is crap. But he's never been a mama. He doesn't know what it's like. But now that we get further into it. I can't let myself believe it anymore. Now that I want to say things like, when the baby gets here or the baby will be this old then. I tell myself that I am stupid to plan. That I am just setting myself up for heartbreak. But I need to be positive for the baby to have the best chance. And who am I kidding, my world will be shattered if this baby dies. I'm hanging all my hopes on this chance.
My biggest fear, obviously, is that my baby will die. I've seen him moving. I've seen his heartbeat. I swear I can feel his presence, waiting to come to us. My mother's heart has been broken before. How can a baby die inside of my body? How did I not protect this child? How could I let that happen? Even though I know the whole while, intellectually, that it is out of my control? All I ever want to do as a mama, is to take care of my kids. I am so scared that I will not be able to take care of this baby. Will he die, too? Will I even know?
Our little foster boys got to go home to their Dad the week before Christmas so we got to move Baby J into her own room. My husband left the crib up because he is anticipating having the new baby in it. Last night, I was thinking, it will really suck to take that down after the baby dies. This is my internal battle. I think of my first pregnancies and how I bought baby clothes and maternity clothes from the pregnancy test on. Weird stuff.
My next appointment is Wednesday, New Years Eve. Wish me luck...
