Hi Tiffany,
I felt inspired to share an experience with you. So here you go.
Right after I had my first child, Normandy, I started to experience ear problems. Loss of hearing, vertigo, tinnitus, all sorts of stuff. It was really no fun. And I had a really hard time accepting what was happening. I was finally getting to be a mother and I could not understand how I could be sick. I was really sick. I couldn't do anything when the dizziness hit. I had a hard time with my faith. I had always been taught that if you have enough faith you can fix anything. This is not true and it is also a hard lesson to learn.
Flash forward to 10 years. I was still having ear troubles. As I was trying to get the kids to school in the morning I had a spell of vertigo and I fell and hit my head on a cupboard and kept hitting my head because I felt like I was falling over and over. It happened just feet from my kids. This was one of the only times my kids saw me be dizzy. I tried really hard to shield it from them. So I was particularly upset. I called my dad and he came to my house.
My dad is wonderful. He is good old boy. He worked construction my whole life. He always had grease under his fingernails and a super tan face. He is strong and really stubborn. He was the perfect dad for me.
Just as he was getting to my house another spell of vertigo hit. My dad walked me to the couch. He found ginger powder and made me take it with water to stem the nausea. Then he knelt in front of me and rubbed my shoulder and then he said something to me that changed me forever. My big strong dad with tears in his eyes said, "If I could do this for you I would." And I knew he meant it. There's a whole other story here because my dad has walked through more sorrow and grief than most men and came out the other side so I didn't have to. Another time....
After he put me to bed and the dizziness subsided I had time to ponder. I had always perceived my Heavenly Father as a distant being. I knew that the trials we had were for our own good. That all this stuff would make me better. That I had to go through challenges to be God-like. I thought of my Heavenly Father sort of like a scientist in a laboratory. You know, let's see what happens when we do this to her. How will she respond if we do that?
It became really clear to me that my Heavenly Father felt towards me as my own Dad does, When I am struggling and my trials are very hard to bear, he is in front of me saying, "If I could do this for you I would." I am so sure of this. And when I'm mad that crappy things are happening, He will brush it off and love me anyway. When I call, He will send help. When I'm suffering. I am not alone.
I'm so sorry for what you and your little baby girl are going through. Cancer is a jerk. I hate it.
I hope you are faring well enough.
With love, Karyn
