Weird Feelings

I have come to the conclusion over the last few months that this would be our very last try. I know I may have said that before but this time I feel it in my heart. I feel awful. I have been dizzy and lightheaded. I am nauseous and exhausted and not to mention grumpy. I know my husband would hate it if I forgot to mention that one. And while I know that all of these symptoms come with the territory of being pregnant, I am sick of having to go through them with no baby to show for it. It takes its toll. So, I've been noticing the good things that can come of no longer having babies and/or being pregnant. I think we will have a good life. The anxiety I felt at being by myself is gone. I think it will be different. And sometimes that's good. I really feel like if there was another baby for my family we would have it by now. I know that having Baby J in our home helps me feel better. Being able to hold her and love on her is good for my soul. But if she goes home, our lives will go on. And they will be great lives, full of love and laughter. 

I guess this was the feeling I was waiting for. The feeling that I was done trying.

If we had to bet on this pregnancy, we all would bet on it not working out. And that's okay. Whatever the outcome is, I am prepared this time. Life goes on....

No heartbeat

We didn't see a heartbeat yesterday but the doctor wasn't convinced that it was over yet. Since the last ultrasound there has been action. There is now a yolk sac and there is fetal material. The doctor said that given my history he would have liked to have seen a heartbeat but it is still 50/50 at 6 weeks 1 day whether he can usually see one. The fetus was right at the curvature of the sac so it was blocked. It seemed to me that I could see the heartbeat but it was really faint and it was hard to make it out from the frequency of the machine.
So, no answers for another week. This is how it goes with me. The good news is that I do feel nauseous most of the day and really tired. And really grumpy, which my husband tells me is a surefire sign that I am pregnant.
We should definitely be able to see a heartbeat next week.

Pregnant Again

That's right, Folks! I am a glutton for punishment. I just didn't feel like I was done with this journey.
I found out a little over 2 weeks ago that I was pregnant for the 11th time.
This time is very bittersweet. I cannot believe that I still have hope for a baby with this one but I do. The human spirit will not be held back. I hope it works out. But in am realistic enough to realize that the end result will almost undoubtedly be a miscarriage.
We have had 3 foster kids since the middle of May and that is helping to keep me busy. I am way less freaked out and obsessed about my symptoms or lack thereof. We have a foster baby who is now 11 months old. She has been such a blessing. Not only is she just a joy and a super fun baby but my arms aren't empty anymore. We hope we get to adopt her but it is a long journey that we cannot predict so we have to assume she will go back to her mother but we hope not.
I cannot forget that she isn't mine so I hold back because I fear the loss of another baby. But I recognize that she deserves a mother that is fully invested and so I tell myself that it's not about me, its about her. But my defenses are up for the pain and grief and I automatically want to protect myself from anything that will cause me more pain.
I have told 2 friends about the pregnancy. I usually am a blabber mouth. But I'm trying to keep it on the DL. My friends say I'm brave but I think people will think I am stupid. How can she keep doing that to herself and her family? Doesn't she know what will happen? I'm not ready for reactions either way.
Even though, I know that after 6 miscarriages people were so over me, I still had a journey to go through and I was lonely. I would rather not have people know if I have to do it alone again. I don't want pity and I don't want disdain. I really just want to make sure that I'm not closing any doors that may be open even if it's just a tiny crack.
My HCG levels were great last week. I had an ultrasound because I was cramping alot. Even though there wasn't much to see, it looked good.
Tomorrow at 3:45 is another ultrasound. I am 6 weeks today. We should be able to see a heartbeat if there is one. Wish me luck.