Bending My Will

One day, I finally gave in to the prompting to check my facebook page that I set up for my adopted kids. I set up this page to keep in touch with their birth mother and their birth brothers' family. It had been nagging at me for over a month, So, I checked it out. I had a message from the boys' grandma saying, "I wish the boys were with you. Bn is not doing good."
I called DCFS and spoke to a supervisor. Our caseworker's last day with DCFS was the day we adopted the babies. I knew something was up because usually you cannot speak to someone the same day even if it is important. She was vague because of confidentiality but asked if the boys were to come back into foster care would I like to take them. ACK! How could I possibly do that? I am so overwhelmed. But, then I remembered these sad, little boys that we sent home to their dad. I remembered how traumatic is was for them to go from house to house and how H developed ptsd from it all. So.....I said yes. And then she said that these boys are most likely headed for adoption. Could we adopt them? I'm sorry, but no. We cannot. That much I knew firmly.
They came to us within 2 days. These sweet, scared, confused little boys. But this time when they came back, they were relieved. We had already developed a relationship of trust. They relaxed and fit right in. It was so nice to have them.
The last day in our house over a year ago, H had a fit for a few hours, told me that he hated me, etc, etc. I was more than relieved to see them go. They were hard and made life so chaotic and unpredictable.
But, this time we all fell in love. The very next morning, H said, I'm so glad that I'm here. They told me I was going to Karyn's. I forgot that was you. If I had know it was you I would have been happy.
He would say things like you're the best mom in the world. And can I just call you mom for now?
He would say, Am I going to stay with you guys forever? I mean, how many tears can I cry? And I would have to say, we'll see. When he would ask, when can I sign up for wrestling, I would say, we'll see.
So about 10 days into this, I decided that I wanted to adopt them too. I decided right before I rolled over to go to sleep. I could not sleep a wink. Seriously. Usually, when I go to sleep, I am out for the night, Nothing. Until 6 in the morning. Just tossing and turning. The babies weren't even up. Finally, I remembered when my friend told me something in the course of a conversation. She said, remember, stupor of thought is an answer. Those words ran through my head. It was an aha moment. I was having stupor of thought. I could not find peace. So I said to myself, fine. It's not the right thing to adopt these boys. And I fell right to sleep for 45 minutes until it was time to get up to start the day.
So, I began to worry. What would their lives be like? Who would care for them? Who would help them to be normal? To walk through life without being a victim? Who would give them the skills to conquer everything put before them?
As I pondered this new question, a name popped in my head, followed by goose bumps. I knew it had to be inspiration. This girl had helped me out with the babies when the kids went back to school in the fall. So, I messaged her and asked if she would be interested. A couple phone calls later and approval from the placement committee and they were on board.
The boys loved her and her husband. They are great. They will love them like their own. They texted me a picture of By snuggling with the boys and her daughter. I cried. She will have the time and the energy to love on these boys like I can't. She can read all day them. I can't. She can carry T around like he desperately wants. I can't. By is having trouble getting kids the conventional way. She gets to be a mother. They boys get to have a mother. It's a win-win. My daughter said, Don't be selfish, mom. You can't keep all the blessings for yourself.
Heavenly Father is in charge. He is the master and if we let him, he will put all the pieces together for us. It was a great lesson for me that even good things can be better. To remember to do the Lord's will first and not my own.