Last night as I was getting ready for bed I realized that it is time to put away the little box that I have kept on my nightstand with the little molds of the baby's hands and feet, the little blanket that she was wrapped in and the ultrasound photos that I couldn't bear to have up on the corkboard anymore. It's time.
I left them on my nightstand because I wanted to have my memories of that baby close to me. It's been 3 weeks today. It's time.
It's time to not feel sad anymore. It's time to not cry anymore. It's time to be open to what the world will offer. It's time to look to the future. It's time to be present in the present. It's just time.
And so today I took that little box off my nightstand and put it in the bottom drawer. I looked at the hands and feet, something I haven't done since days after delivery, and I didn't cry. I feel sorrow for the poor little baby that we dreamed of. I'm sorry that I couldn't make a proper body for that spirit to dwell in. I'm sorry for all the work I made for my husband and my daughter. I'm sorry for the grief that I have caused my family. I feel like I'm missing out on some of the joys in life. But the time for regrets and sadness is past and soon a day will go by when I won't think about that little baby that we lost. And the time to start in now.
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