My sister-in-law Kayla had her baby boy last Wednesday. He was almost 9 pounds and 22 inches long. He is very healthy and looks like their other kids. I am so happy for her and my brother-in-law Dallan.
We wanted to go see the baby. It is a time of joy and happiness. Family gets to share in these times. My husband said he knew it would be hard so I didn't need to go. But I don't want to be one of those women that can't share in other's happiness because of their own unhappiness. I don't want to miss out on the good times. So we went.
I'll admit I was nervous. I thought when I held him it would make me sad. I didn't want to cry and rain on their parade. But I didn't. Once I saw him, I realized that this is their baby. I don't want their baby. I want mine. And so I was genuinely happy for them. And I'm glad I could share in their joy. I was glad to hold their baby. And I was glad to give him back.
I realized again yesterday how much work newborns are and how tired you are taking care of them. It seems easy to be able to talk myself out of the fact that I want one. But I don't want just any newborn or any baby. I want mine. That makes it worth it. The doctor said one pregnancy cannot take the place of the last but I feel that this journey hasn't been about 6 different babies, it has been about getting a baby. I wish I could get to a place of peace when I think about stopping but I can't get there. So for now my journey hasn't ended.
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