Hope

I had a doctors appointment yesterday which was really just a mental health evaluation. Its been 2 weeks since delivery. My doctor really is so kind. I told him that I was doing fine but he wanted to delve and didn't seem happy until he made me cry a couple of times. That's just how I felt but really I think he wanted to make sure I'm fine.
The thing that is causing me trouble now is the fact that I am making this journey with my husband. And that's not a bad thing, in fact, its a wonderful thing. He is a tremendous strength to me and he seems to be sane when I'm not. I love him and want him to be happy. That's the problem. I feel like I have inflicted all this on him. I feel like I am the cause of his grief. I know that I was the driving force behind trying again and again and again and again and again and again. I feel responsible because its my stupid body that keeps causing all the trouble.
I told this to the doctor and I cried because I can shoulder the responsibility for my own decisions but its really hard when it affects someone else so deeply. The doctor said that I should never feel bad for asking someone to have hope.
Is that what I'm doing? I'm not sure. I can't figure out what is the compelling me to keep trying. The doctor said just yesterday that my chances of having a miscarriage are more than 50%. That's not great odds considering that time and again I fall in the less than 1% category.  I don't need more kids. I know that 4 is plenty. I wonder if I would have been satisfied with the kids I have if I had never tried again. Am I just not ready to accept defeat? This sounds more like me. Is it selfish to keep putting my husband and my children through this? At what point will I accept defeat and say enough? My husband said just yesterday that I could talk him into it again. Do I want to do that? Is that fair? Men can always be talked into trying.
The doctor also said that I will be very fertile in the coming weeks. It seems I always am. That's never been my problem, I wish it was. He really wants me to keep going. He feels that it is entirely possible that we can have a healthy baby. He hopes for me to have a great outcome.
I hope that I can accept whatever it is that Heavenly Father has in store for me. I hope that I can get some answers soon. Mostly I hope that I can be happy again.