Letter to my OB

Dear Dr. Bean,
In February 2014, you were my doctor as I delivered a miscarriage at 18 weeks. This was my sixth miscarriage in a row. I wanted to let you what an impact you have made in my life since.
While in the hospital you quoted a stat for what our chances were for having a healthy baby. And I laughed. I remember you coming up by the head of my bed and assuring me that I could have a healthy baby in the future.  I wasn't ready to hear that but it stayed with me.
When I went in for my 2-week appointment with you, you said that you really thought that I should try to have another baby. My heart wasn't in it, but I kept thinking about what you said, over and over.
My husband was done with the whole process and ready to move on.
We started fostering a baby in May of 2014. Her mother became pregnant again in July of that same year. We were informed that this new baby may come to our home as well.
In August of 2014, my husband decided that he wanted to try to have a baby one more time. But if we didn't get pregnant by the end of the year, we were done and this was our final try.
As soon as I got pregnant I knew we were through trying to have another baby. Whatever the ending was, we were done. I saw you for most of my early appointments. But one appointment stands out in particular. We had received the test results from the panorama test. It was all good news but I still wasn't ready to feel optimistic. You put down the paperwork and looked at me and said, "This is going to have a happy ending. I promise."
When other people had told me that everything would be fine, I always said, how can you know? It hasn't been fine in the past. It was on the tip of my tongue to say this and then, I believed you. I feel like you were inspired that day to tell me these words. That day was the day I decided to embrace the pregnancy and prepare for our new little one. I repeated what you said and replayed the memory of that interaction often.
I didn't get to see you for many later visits. Dr. Melendez delivered our little girl, Reagan, on July 6th.
Thank you for your optimism and your kind words. Thank you for being willing to offer your words even when I didn't want to hear them. I appreciate what you do, you take care of more than the body.
In less than a month, my family will be going to the temple. We will be getting sealed to our babies that are 19 months and 5 months. They will be formally adopted the day before. In the course of a year we are adding 3 babies to our family. And we are finally done with having babies.
Thank you,
Karyn Labrum

Trying for 7

This is Baby Stark. He was born middle of March. I guess I should change the name of the blog to trying for 7. Our new little baby due July 5th will be #7. It is a girl and we are planning on naming her Reagan. The naming of babies in this household is becoming increasingly difficult because the older kids feel that they should be part of the process. My oldest son actually wore me down enough that I gave in and that is why the little man will be named Stark once we adopt him.
I am officially 28 weeks 2 days along with this pregnancy. The baby seems great. She is active and all the tests came back normal. Just a waiting game....
Things with our little foster baby are going great. Birth mom dropped out of the picture the end of November. We haven't had to do a visit since. Baby J is great. She is still pretty behind. She just turned 16 months old and still can't walk proficiently yet. But her vocabulary is coming along. She started using a couple of signs and she has a couple of words that she says consistently. We love her and are so glad she is part of our family. We have a TPR scheduled for the beginning of May. At this court hearing, the parental rights should be terminated. Birth mom hasn't had contact and has been arrested for drug possession numerous times. And there is no dad on record for either of the kids. It should be a pretty easy hearing. In fact, our caseworker told me that we should contact an adoption attorney, which I did today. Waiting for a call back. But I can't believe that we are at this place already. Baby J will be #5.
That brings me to #6....
We had a court hearing the beginning of March. This was mostly to wrap up the case with for J's older brothers who we had for over 7 months. They went back to dad and seem to be doing great. You could have knocked me over when birth mom showed up to the hearing. She was incommunicado for over 3 months and had active warrants for her arrest. But she waltzed in and took J from my husband and held her for the whole proceedings. It was agonizing for me.
She was 8 months pregnant at the time. When she disappeared, she still wasn't showing and so we wondered if she really was pregnant. I wondered if the baby could survive the lifestyle I assumed she was living. Birth mom reported to court that she was clean. That she wanted to get J back. That she was entering a rehab the very next week that would allow her to keep her new baby. It was all very surreal.
I expected to have to do visitation the next week if the reports were accurate. I waited on pins and needles. Now, I am a proponent of foster kids going back home. I don't want it to seem like I'm not. But in this case, I know that birth mom is not capable of caring for Baby J. And I worry that since she is so loved and coddled that is will hurt her to be in an environment where she is sort of an afterthought.
I was napping the next week, which I do every day. Being pregnant at almost 40 is not easy. I got a phone call from the caseworker which I ignored. I didn't want a visit. Then another call which I ignored. Then a text. I figured I would check out the text. The caseworker said call ASAP. So I probably swore and then called. She said the day we knew would happen has happened. My heart sank. But no visit or change. Birth mom had her baby. He tested positive for drugs in his urine. This is bad. Usually they have to test cord blood for babies. It means it was really recent use to show up in his pee. The baby would be removed from mom's custody immediately. Did we want him?
Did we? I told Trav that I would say no when this day came. This pregnancy has been hard for me. I feel like we are complete and don't need to try any more. I feel overwhelmed by what's on my plate already. Is it fair to my other kids? But then I felt this overwhelming feeling that we should and so I said Of Course.
Baby was 4 weeks early. Which is common in drug exposed infants. He weighed over 5 pounds. He was doing good but was being monitored for withdrawal symptoms. I asked if I could see him and was told it was fine. I just needed to wait for the warrant to be served for removal. The removal officer would call. That was at 12:30. So I called Trav. Told him we were taking the baby. Which, saint that he is, he was on board with. Then I scrambled to try to find gear for a preemie baby in less than one day. We were told we could bring him home the next morning.
I finally couldn't wait and called the hospital around 6. Everything was in order and I could visit around 8 after the shift change. So I went shopping for the little guy and then went to the hospital. When I first met him, I fell in love. He was so tiny and helpless with no one in the world to care for him but me. And so even though we didn't know if we would be able to keep him or what was in store, I was going to be his mama for as long as he needed. Nothing held back. I was all in. The hospital treated me just like his mama, too. That was nice.
He was able to come on Sunday morning.
He is now 5 1/2 weeks old. He is doing great. He is over 7 pounds. He is cute as a button. He has a really loud cry. His withdrawal symptoms have mostly abated. He likes to party in the middle of the night. I hope he gets that figured out before Reagan comes.
In my last post, I was so sure that our baby was a boy. I could feel a boy's presence. Now, I have no doubt that I was feeling Baby Stark. I am not clairvoyant or psychic. Even though it does run in my family. But I could tell we had a boy coming. It's nice reassurance when I feel overwhelmed and tired and wondering how we will do 3 babies.
So, we should be able to adopt these 2 kiddos by the beginning of June. And Reagan will be born soon after. Now that I 'm old they won't even let me go to term. They say there are too many complications that can crop up. So, I won't be surprised if she's a little early. My placenta deteriorates and calcifies early. But my babies like to go late. Not a great combo. That's why my first 2 sons were induced and it was a little scary. With Steel we monitored and I sat around and drank lots of water and he did great. We will see how this one goes...
I am so happy and excited to get to raise these little ones. I know it will be hard but this is what I was put on Earth for.

12 weeks

At my last appointment on Wednesday, I was 11 weeks, 3 days. The baby's heartbeat was very strong. He was moving around, waving his arms and legs. He looked great. I asked the doctor if we were out of the woods. He said not until 12 weeks. I said but I'm 11 and 1/2. He said there are no studies that show 11 and 1/2. They only show 11 and 12 weeks. I asked so the chance of miscarriage are higher in week 11 than 12 and he said yes. He said that once we reach 12 week the chance of miscarriage are less than 1%. I've heard all the percentages before and I know that I lie in the less than 1% range. So I said but not for me. And he said, not for you.
My husband didn't want me to make an appointment for Christmas Eve because he didn't want me to ruin Christmas. I told him that if I was still sick I would go, if I felt better I would cancel. I was pretty confident with the way that I was feeling that the baby would still be there. And he was. And I was able to enjoy Christmas. I didn't have to wonder if my little baby was still with us.
So, I want to say we are out of the woods with this little baby but until I see the heartbeat again, I guess we can't count on anything.
Since I've stopped taking the progesterone, which was 2 days ago, my nausea has gotten a little better. This has freaked me out completely. Both nights since then I have stayed awake panicked that my baby has died. I'm pretty sure when the last baby died, I felt better instantly but I worry that it may be gradual this time. I've been sneezing without my tendons feeling like they were ripping in half. But when I woke up this morning, my stomach hurt really bad so that made me feel better.
I started out with this pregnancy believing that we really would get a baby out of it. I feel like its a boy. I feel like I can sense his presence. My husband thinks this is crap. But he's never been a mama. He doesn't know what it's like. But now that we get further into it. I can't let myself believe it anymore. Now that I want to say things like, when the baby gets here or the baby will be this old then. I tell myself that I am stupid to plan. That I am just setting myself up for heartbreak. But I need to be positive for the baby to have the best chance. And who am I kidding, my world will be shattered if this baby dies. I'm hanging all my hopes on this chance.
My biggest fear, obviously, is that my baby will die. I've seen him moving. I've seen his heartbeat. I swear I can feel his presence, waiting to come to us. My mother's heart has been broken before. How can a baby die inside of my body? How did I not protect this child? How could I let that happen? Even though I know the whole while, intellectually, that it is out of my control? All I ever want to do as a mama, is to take care of my kids. I am so scared that I will not be able to take care of this baby. Will he die, too? Will I even know?
Our little foster boys got to go home to their Dad the week before Christmas so we got to move Baby J into her own room. My husband left the crib up because he is anticipating having the new baby in it. Last night, I was thinking, it will really suck to take that down after the baby dies. This is my internal battle. I think of my first pregnancies and how I bought baby clothes and maternity clothes from the pregnancy test on. Weird stuff.
My next appointment is Wednesday, New Years Eve. Wish me luck...

Weird Feelings

I have come to the conclusion over the last few months that this would be our very last try. I know I may have said that before but this time I feel it in my heart. I feel awful. I have been dizzy and lightheaded. I am nauseous and exhausted and not to mention grumpy. I know my husband would hate it if I forgot to mention that one. And while I know that all of these symptoms come with the territory of being pregnant, I am sick of having to go through them with no baby to show for it. It takes its toll. So, I've been noticing the good things that can come of no longer having babies and/or being pregnant. I think we will have a good life. The anxiety I felt at being by myself is gone. I think it will be different. And sometimes that's good. I really feel like if there was another baby for my family we would have it by now. I know that having Baby J in our home helps me feel better. Being able to hold her and love on her is good for my soul. But if she goes home, our lives will go on. And they will be great lives, full of love and laughter. 

I guess this was the feeling I was waiting for. The feeling that I was done trying.

If we had to bet on this pregnancy, we all would bet on it not working out. And that's okay. Whatever the outcome is, I am prepared this time. Life goes on....

No heartbeat

We didn't see a heartbeat yesterday but the doctor wasn't convinced that it was over yet. Since the last ultrasound there has been action. There is now a yolk sac and there is fetal material. The doctor said that given my history he would have liked to have seen a heartbeat but it is still 50/50 at 6 weeks 1 day whether he can usually see one. The fetus was right at the curvature of the sac so it was blocked. It seemed to me that I could see the heartbeat but it was really faint and it was hard to make it out from the frequency of the machine.
So, no answers for another week. This is how it goes with me. The good news is that I do feel nauseous most of the day and really tired. And really grumpy, which my husband tells me is a surefire sign that I am pregnant.
We should definitely be able to see a heartbeat next week.

Pregnant Again

That's right, Folks! I am a glutton for punishment. I just didn't feel like I was done with this journey.
I found out a little over 2 weeks ago that I was pregnant for the 11th time.
This time is very bittersweet. I cannot believe that I still have hope for a baby with this one but I do. The human spirit will not be held back. I hope it works out. But in am realistic enough to realize that the end result will almost undoubtedly be a miscarriage.
We have had 3 foster kids since the middle of May and that is helping to keep me busy. I am way less freaked out and obsessed about my symptoms or lack thereof. We have a foster baby who is now 11 months old. She has been such a blessing. Not only is she just a joy and a super fun baby but my arms aren't empty anymore. We hope we get to adopt her but it is a long journey that we cannot predict so we have to assume she will go back to her mother but we hope not.
I cannot forget that she isn't mine so I hold back because I fear the loss of another baby. But I recognize that she deserves a mother that is fully invested and so I tell myself that it's not about me, its about her. But my defenses are up for the pain and grief and I automatically want to protect myself from anything that will cause me more pain.
I have told 2 friends about the pregnancy. I usually am a blabber mouth. But I'm trying to keep it on the DL. My friends say I'm brave but I think people will think I am stupid. How can she keep doing that to herself and her family? Doesn't she know what will happen? I'm not ready for reactions either way.
Even though, I know that after 6 miscarriages people were so over me, I still had a journey to go through and I was lonely. I would rather not have people know if I have to do it alone again. I don't want pity and I don't want disdain. I really just want to make sure that I'm not closing any doors that may be open even if it's just a tiny crack.
My HCG levels were great last week. I had an ultrasound because I was cramping alot. Even though there wasn't much to see, it looked good.
Tomorrow at 3:45 is another ultrasound. I am 6 weeks today. We should be able to see a heartbeat if there is one. Wish me luck.

Baby R

I jumped at the opportunity to do respite care for another mom. We get to watch a 6 month old baby for a week. I didn't know how nice it would be.
This little baby has the sweetest little spirit. She is so nice to be around. We have been having a blast. My heart feels good.
One night as I was getting ready to go ref and R was with us in our room my husband asked, "Does having R around not make you feel so sad?" I didn't realize I was that transparent. I said, a little surprise, Yes. What about you? I thought the you said you were over the miscarriage. He said he was. He was sad about not having more kids.
We will have to let her go on Sunday but I intend to listen to her little noises and give her squishy hugs a lot until then.