There is still a heartbeat. 9 weeks 5 days. My husband is calling it a boy. Which is probably true. I want a girl really badly so I am calling it a boy so that I won't be sad when it is. To be fair, my baby (who will be 5 in March) is a boy and he is the love of my life.
My due date is July 19th. I didn't want to know before because I can remember every other due date. All of them. All 5. And it stinks. When I got pregnant with my kids it never even occurred to me to worry about a miscarriage. I bought maternity clothes and baby clothes and made plans. I don't get to do that any more. But I'm planning now. It may be premature. I am not out of the woods yet. But I can't hold back. I want so badly for this baby to make it to the world. I am all in now.
This one feels different than the others. For one thing, I am way sicker. For another, I feel hopeful. Even after we saw the heartbeat (which means very low chance of miscarriage) I couldn't lose the feeling of dread that I felt with the last pregnancy.
My husband says regardless of the outcome that we are done with having kids. He just turned 40 and is feeling old. But I feel like this is why I am here on Earth....to be a mom. I want to savor every second I get with these precious souls.
This poem keeps running through my head lately:
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won if he'd stuck it out.
Don't give up, though the pace seems slow -
You may succeed with another blow.
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won if he'd stuck it out.
Don't give up, though the pace seems slow -
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man;
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late, when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
It seems to a faint and faltering man;
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late, when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out -
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are -
It may be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit.
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are -
It may be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit.
I love it. And I am not a quitter. I am a whiner (ask my hubs), but I'm not a quitter.
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