I was supposed to get an IUD at 6 weeks post delivery. But I couldn't bring myself to do it.
The other night my husband was in our room with me while I was getting ready to go ref. He said when do you turn 40? I told him. He said we should try again next year and try to time it for around your 40th. (We are still so silly that we can hope and plan ahead. I truly find it odd.) He said when are you fertile again? And I had to tell him I already had a cycle. He just laughed and hugged me. So I guess we are trying again.
My plan it to try to keep it to myself if I get pregnant again (which has never been an issue). I would like to have the harmony test done that tests for hormonal abnormalities. I can have that at 9 weeks. That way we should know for sure that it is viable and that there is nothing major wrong with the baby. Anyways, that's my plan.
Seriously, who can still plan after all this?
Sunday, April 20, 2014
What did you go through?
This Easter weekend all of my husband's siblings were in town. We had a big photo shoot. The first one we have had in my 17 years of being married to the family. It was great. Really it was. I love my little family and my husband's family is great. They really are. I just have a few gripes.
The year that we started trying to have our 5th we had 3 pregnancies that had due dates in 2012. That year all of Trav's siblings but him had babies. They took a picture of those 3 little one year olds. Trav and I were watching and I tried very casually to say, "We would have had one that age too." And he said, "I know." But we were the only ones that knew.
And then later when everyone else was gathered at our house in the evening, we were all hanging out in the dining room. I said something about only having one friend. We talked about having friends and having good friends. And I said, "After what Trav and I have been through, it shows you who your friends really are." And his mom was shocked and said "What did you go through?" like she had missed something. And his sister said, ".....the miscarriages?" And his mom still looked surprised. And then Trav said, "We just lost a baby." "Oh."
Yes. Oh. It's only been 2 months. Everyone else has forgotten. I wondered why no one asked or brought up the fact that we lost our baby when I visited my family in Oregon for 10 days. Not once did anyone ask. I brought it up. Only my sister-in-law let me talk about it. And now I realize that they forgot too.
I wish I could forget.
The year that we started trying to have our 5th we had 3 pregnancies that had due dates in 2012. That year all of Trav's siblings but him had babies. They took a picture of those 3 little one year olds. Trav and I were watching and I tried very casually to say, "We would have had one that age too." And he said, "I know." But we were the only ones that knew.
And then later when everyone else was gathered at our house in the evening, we were all hanging out in the dining room. I said something about only having one friend. We talked about having friends and having good friends. And I said, "After what Trav and I have been through, it shows you who your friends really are." And his mom was shocked and said "What did you go through?" like she had missed something. And his sister said, ".....the miscarriages?" And his mom still looked surprised. And then Trav said, "We just lost a baby." "Oh."
Yes. Oh. It's only been 2 months. Everyone else has forgotten. I wondered why no one asked or brought up the fact that we lost our baby when I visited my family in Oregon for 10 days. Not once did anyone ask. I brought it up. Only my sister-in-law let me talk about it. And now I realize that they forgot too.
I wish I could forget.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Tuesdays with Morrie
I read the book Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom on the drive home from Oregon on Sunday. I grabbed it out of a box of books that my sister was selling in a yard sale Saturday morning. It was fabulous. I figured it would be because I loved The Five People You Meet In Heaven that he wrote too. Tuesdays with Morrie has sound advice that seemed really pertinent to what I've been trudging through. It's written simply and its easy to digest and apply. I'm super glad I read it.
“If you hold back on the emotions--if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them--you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. You're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your heard even, you experience them fully and completely.”
“Don't cling to things, because everything is impermanent... But detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you.
On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That's how you are able to leave it...You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief... But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely.You know what pain is. You know what love is. "All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.”
I loved this part. I feel like I've moved on and I feel like this quote removes the quilty feelings that I have. I felt like it was too easy to move on. But I analyzed what I was feeling and what was going on and now I've moved on. This made sense to me.
“Well, for one thing, the culture we have does not make people feel good about themselves. We're teaching the wrong things. And you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn't work, don't buy it. Create your own. Most people can't do it.”
I tell my kids all the time that we live in "the world" but we are not of "the world."
“Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do somehing else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted.”
“I give myself a good cry if I need it. But then I concentrate on the good things still in my life. I don't allow myself any more self-pity than that. A little each every morning, a few tears, and that's all. ”
“I thought about all the people I knew who spent many of their waking hours feeling sorry for themselves. How useful it would be to put a daily limit on self-pity. Just a few tearful minutes, then on with the day.”
It's true. I think maybe its human nature to feel sorry for ourselves. But this does work. I just decided to not feel sorry for myself anymore and then I wasn't. Life goes on.
“There is no point in keeping vengeance or stubbornness. These things" -he sighed- "these things I so regret in my life. Pride. Vanity. Why do we do the things we do?"
I decided that I will forgive those people that I wanted to be with me when I was suffering and they weren't. I have decided that it doesn't always need to be about me. I will give love and not regret it.
“If you're always battling against getting older, you're always going to be unhappy, because it will happen anyhow.”
I've been sad about my new normal. I don't want my years of being a mom to end. Its really sad to me to not be able to have babies. I don't know how to prepare for my life with no young kids. It's all I've ever wanted to do. But I can't waste any more time. And I do want to be happy. I have to figure out how to find peace and say good bye to that part of my life and embrace the new one.
“If you hold back on the emotions--if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them--you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. You're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your heard even, you experience them fully and completely.”
“Don't cling to things, because everything is impermanent... But detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you.
On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That's how you are able to leave it...You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief... But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely.You know what pain is. You know what love is. "All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.”
I loved this part. I feel like I've moved on and I feel like this quote removes the quilty feelings that I have. I felt like it was too easy to move on. But I analyzed what I was feeling and what was going on and now I've moved on. This made sense to me.
“Well, for one thing, the culture we have does not make people feel good about themselves. We're teaching the wrong things. And you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn't work, don't buy it. Create your own. Most people can't do it.”
I tell my kids all the time that we live in "the world" but we are not of "the world."
“Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do somehing else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted.”
“I give myself a good cry if I need it. But then I concentrate on the good things still in my life. I don't allow myself any more self-pity than that. A little each every morning, a few tears, and that's all. ”
“I thought about all the people I knew who spent many of their waking hours feeling sorry for themselves. How useful it would be to put a daily limit on self-pity. Just a few tearful minutes, then on with the day.”
It's true. I think maybe its human nature to feel sorry for ourselves. But this does work. I just decided to not feel sorry for myself anymore and then I wasn't. Life goes on.
“There is no point in keeping vengeance or stubbornness. These things" -he sighed- "these things I so regret in my life. Pride. Vanity. Why do we do the things we do?"
I decided that I will forgive those people that I wanted to be with me when I was suffering and they weren't. I have decided that it doesn't always need to be about me. I will give love and not regret it.
“If you're always battling against getting older, you're always going to be unhappy, because it will happen anyhow.”
I've been sad about my new normal. I don't want my years of being a mom to end. Its really sad to me to not be able to have babies. I don't know how to prepare for my life with no young kids. It's all I've ever wanted to do. But I can't waste any more time. And I do want to be happy. I have to figure out how to find peace and say good bye to that part of my life and embrace the new one.
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Friends
I've been lonely. And sad. And mad. And frustrated. And lonely.
I know that hanging out with someone who is sad is not very much fun. But its sure nice to know that anyone else cares. I am dismayed by the fact that there are people in my life who are dear to me that didn't reach out to me at all. And though, I'm not sorry for myself, it makes me wonder how much time I have wasted being more invested in these people than they are in me. I feel like I'm at a place in my life where I just don't waste my time like that anymore.
On the other hand, I want to make sure to cherish the people in my life that have found that time and took the effort to tell me they are in my corner, that they have my back. Thank you. It meant more than I can express.
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