I guess this was the feeling I was waiting for. The feeling that I was done trying.
If we had to bet on this pregnancy, we all would bet on it not working out. And that's okay. Whatever the outcome is, I am prepared this time. Life goes on....
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
Weird Feelings
I have come to the conclusion over the last few months that this would be our very last try. I know I may have said that before but this time I feel it in my heart. I feel awful. I have been dizzy and lightheaded. I am nauseous and exhausted and not to mention grumpy. I know my husband would hate it if I forgot to mention that one. And while I know that all of these symptoms come with the territory of being pregnant, I am sick of having to go through them with no baby to show for it. It takes its toll. So, I've been noticing the good things that can come of no longer having babies and/or being pregnant. I think we will have a good life. The anxiety I felt at being by myself is gone. I think it will be different. And sometimes that's good. I really feel like if there was another baby for my family we would have it by now. I know that having Baby J in our home helps me feel better. Being able to hold her and love on her is good for my soul. But if she goes home, our lives will go on. And they will be great lives, full of love and laughter.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
No heartbeat
We didn't see a heartbeat yesterday but the doctor wasn't convinced that it was over yet. Since the last ultrasound there has been action. There is now a yolk sac and there is fetal material. The doctor said that given my history he would have liked to have seen a heartbeat but it is still 50/50 at 6 weeks 1 day whether he can usually see one. The fetus was right at the curvature of the sac so it was blocked. It seemed to me that I could see the heartbeat but it was really faint and it was hard to make it out from the frequency of the machine.
So, no answers for another week. This is how it goes with me. The good news is that I do feel nauseous most of the day and really tired. And really grumpy, which my husband tells me is a surefire sign that I am pregnant.
We should definitely be able to see a heartbeat next week.
So, no answers for another week. This is how it goes with me. The good news is that I do feel nauseous most of the day and really tired. And really grumpy, which my husband tells me is a surefire sign that I am pregnant.
We should definitely be able to see a heartbeat next week.
Sunday, November 16, 2014
Pregnant Again
That's right, Folks! I am a glutton for punishment. I just didn't feel like I was done with this journey.
I found out a little over 2 weeks ago that I was pregnant for the 11th time.
This time is very bittersweet. I cannot believe that I still have hope for a baby with this one but I do. The human spirit will not be held back. I hope it works out. But in am realistic enough to realize that the end result will almost undoubtedly be a miscarriage.
We have had 3 foster kids since the middle of May and that is helping to keep me busy. I am way less freaked out and obsessed about my symptoms or lack thereof. We have a foster baby who is now 11 months old. She has been such a blessing. Not only is she just a joy and a super fun baby but my arms aren't empty anymore. We hope we get to adopt her but it is a long journey that we cannot predict so we have to assume she will go back to her mother but we hope not.
I cannot forget that she isn't mine so I hold back because I fear the loss of another baby. But I recognize that she deserves a mother that is fully invested and so I tell myself that it's not about me, its about her. But my defenses are up for the pain and grief and I automatically want to protect myself from anything that will cause me more pain.
I have told 2 friends about the pregnancy. I usually am a blabber mouth. But I'm trying to keep it on the DL. My friends say I'm brave but I think people will think I am stupid. How can she keep doing that to herself and her family? Doesn't she know what will happen? I'm not ready for reactions either way.
Even though, I know that after 6 miscarriages people were so over me, I still had a journey to go through and I was lonely. I would rather not have people know if I have to do it alone again. I don't want pity and I don't want disdain. I really just want to make sure that I'm not closing any doors that may be open even if it's just a tiny crack.
My HCG levels were great last week. I had an ultrasound because I was cramping alot. Even though there wasn't much to see, it looked good.
Tomorrow at 3:45 is another ultrasound. I am 6 weeks today. We should be able to see a heartbeat if there is one. Wish me luck.
I found out a little over 2 weeks ago that I was pregnant for the 11th time.
This time is very bittersweet. I cannot believe that I still have hope for a baby with this one but I do. The human spirit will not be held back. I hope it works out. But in am realistic enough to realize that the end result will almost undoubtedly be a miscarriage.
We have had 3 foster kids since the middle of May and that is helping to keep me busy. I am way less freaked out and obsessed about my symptoms or lack thereof. We have a foster baby who is now 11 months old. She has been such a blessing. Not only is she just a joy and a super fun baby but my arms aren't empty anymore. We hope we get to adopt her but it is a long journey that we cannot predict so we have to assume she will go back to her mother but we hope not.
I cannot forget that she isn't mine so I hold back because I fear the loss of another baby. But I recognize that she deserves a mother that is fully invested and so I tell myself that it's not about me, its about her. But my defenses are up for the pain and grief and I automatically want to protect myself from anything that will cause me more pain.
I have told 2 friends about the pregnancy. I usually am a blabber mouth. But I'm trying to keep it on the DL. My friends say I'm brave but I think people will think I am stupid. How can she keep doing that to herself and her family? Doesn't she know what will happen? I'm not ready for reactions either way.
Even though, I know that after 6 miscarriages people were so over me, I still had a journey to go through and I was lonely. I would rather not have people know if I have to do it alone again. I don't want pity and I don't want disdain. I really just want to make sure that I'm not closing any doors that may be open even if it's just a tiny crack.
My HCG levels were great last week. I had an ultrasound because I was cramping alot. Even though there wasn't much to see, it looked good.
Tomorrow at 3:45 is another ultrasound. I am 6 weeks today. We should be able to see a heartbeat if there is one. Wish me luck.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Baby R
I jumped at the opportunity to do respite care for another mom. We get to watch a 6 month old baby for a week. I didn't know how nice it would be.
This little baby has the sweetest little spirit. She is so nice to be around. We have been having a blast. My heart feels good.
One night as I was getting ready to go ref and R was with us in our room my husband asked, "Does having R around not make you feel so sad?" I didn't realize I was that transparent. I said, a little surprise, Yes. What about you? I thought the you said you were over the miscarriage. He said he was. He was sad about not having more kids.
We will have to let her go on Sunday but I intend to listen to her little noises and give her squishy hugs a lot until then.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Trying Again
I was supposed to get an IUD at 6 weeks post delivery. But I couldn't bring myself to do it.
The other night my husband was in our room with me while I was getting ready to go ref. He said when do you turn 40? I told him. He said we should try again next year and try to time it for around your 40th. (We are still so silly that we can hope and plan ahead. I truly find it odd.) He said when are you fertile again? And I had to tell him I already had a cycle. He just laughed and hugged me. So I guess we are trying again.
My plan it to try to keep it to myself if I get pregnant again (which has never been an issue). I would like to have the harmony test done that tests for hormonal abnormalities. I can have that at 9 weeks. That way we should know for sure that it is viable and that there is nothing major wrong with the baby. Anyways, that's my plan.
Seriously, who can still plan after all this?
The other night my husband was in our room with me while I was getting ready to go ref. He said when do you turn 40? I told him. He said we should try again next year and try to time it for around your 40th. (We are still so silly that we can hope and plan ahead. I truly find it odd.) He said when are you fertile again? And I had to tell him I already had a cycle. He just laughed and hugged me. So I guess we are trying again.
My plan it to try to keep it to myself if I get pregnant again (which has never been an issue). I would like to have the harmony test done that tests for hormonal abnormalities. I can have that at 9 weeks. That way we should know for sure that it is viable and that there is nothing major wrong with the baby. Anyways, that's my plan.
Seriously, who can still plan after all this?
What did you go through?
This Easter weekend all of my husband's siblings were in town. We had a big photo shoot. The first one we have had in my 17 years of being married to the family. It was great. Really it was. I love my little family and my husband's family is great. They really are. I just have a few gripes.
The year that we started trying to have our 5th we had 3 pregnancies that had due dates in 2012. That year all of Trav's siblings but him had babies. They took a picture of those 3 little one year olds. Trav and I were watching and I tried very casually to say, "We would have had one that age too." And he said, "I know." But we were the only ones that knew.
And then later when everyone else was gathered at our house in the evening, we were all hanging out in the dining room. I said something about only having one friend. We talked about having friends and having good friends. And I said, "After what Trav and I have been through, it shows you who your friends really are." And his mom was shocked and said "What did you go through?" like she had missed something. And his sister said, ".....the miscarriages?" And his mom still looked surprised. And then Trav said, "We just lost a baby." "Oh."
Yes. Oh. It's only been 2 months. Everyone else has forgotten. I wondered why no one asked or brought up the fact that we lost our baby when I visited my family in Oregon for 10 days. Not once did anyone ask. I brought it up. Only my sister-in-law let me talk about it. And now I realize that they forgot too.
I wish I could forget.
The year that we started trying to have our 5th we had 3 pregnancies that had due dates in 2012. That year all of Trav's siblings but him had babies. They took a picture of those 3 little one year olds. Trav and I were watching and I tried very casually to say, "We would have had one that age too." And he said, "I know." But we were the only ones that knew.
And then later when everyone else was gathered at our house in the evening, we were all hanging out in the dining room. I said something about only having one friend. We talked about having friends and having good friends. And I said, "After what Trav and I have been through, it shows you who your friends really are." And his mom was shocked and said "What did you go through?" like she had missed something. And his sister said, ".....the miscarriages?" And his mom still looked surprised. And then Trav said, "We just lost a baby." "Oh."
Yes. Oh. It's only been 2 months. Everyone else has forgotten. I wondered why no one asked or brought up the fact that we lost our baby when I visited my family in Oregon for 10 days. Not once did anyone ask. I brought it up. Only my sister-in-law let me talk about it. And now I realize that they forgot too.
I wish I could forget.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Tuesdays with Morrie
I read the book Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom on the drive home from Oregon on Sunday. I grabbed it out of a box of books that my sister was selling in a yard sale Saturday morning. It was fabulous. I figured it would be because I loved The Five People You Meet In Heaven that he wrote too. Tuesdays with Morrie has sound advice that seemed really pertinent to what I've been trudging through. It's written simply and its easy to digest and apply. I'm super glad I read it.
“If you hold back on the emotions--if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them--you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. You're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your heard even, you experience them fully and completely.”
“Don't cling to things, because everything is impermanent... But detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you.
On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That's how you are able to leave it...You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief... But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely.You know what pain is. You know what love is. "All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.”
I loved this part. I feel like I've moved on and I feel like this quote removes the quilty feelings that I have. I felt like it was too easy to move on. But I analyzed what I was feeling and what was going on and now I've moved on. This made sense to me.
“Well, for one thing, the culture we have does not make people feel good about themselves. We're teaching the wrong things. And you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn't work, don't buy it. Create your own. Most people can't do it.”
I tell my kids all the time that we live in "the world" but we are not of "the world."
“Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do somehing else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted.”
“I give myself a good cry if I need it. But then I concentrate on the good things still in my life. I don't allow myself any more self-pity than that. A little each every morning, a few tears, and that's all. ”
“I thought about all the people I knew who spent many of their waking hours feeling sorry for themselves. How useful it would be to put a daily limit on self-pity. Just a few tearful minutes, then on with the day.”
It's true. I think maybe its human nature to feel sorry for ourselves. But this does work. I just decided to not feel sorry for myself anymore and then I wasn't. Life goes on.
“There is no point in keeping vengeance or stubbornness. These things" -he sighed- "these things I so regret in my life. Pride. Vanity. Why do we do the things we do?"
I decided that I will forgive those people that I wanted to be with me when I was suffering and they weren't. I have decided that it doesn't always need to be about me. I will give love and not regret it.
“If you're always battling against getting older, you're always going to be unhappy, because it will happen anyhow.”
I've been sad about my new normal. I don't want my years of being a mom to end. Its really sad to me to not be able to have babies. I don't know how to prepare for my life with no young kids. It's all I've ever wanted to do. But I can't waste any more time. And I do want to be happy. I have to figure out how to find peace and say good bye to that part of my life and embrace the new one.
“If you hold back on the emotions--if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them--you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. You're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your heard even, you experience them fully and completely.”
“Don't cling to things, because everything is impermanent... But detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you.
On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That's how you are able to leave it...You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief... But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely.You know what pain is. You know what love is. "All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.”
I loved this part. I feel like I've moved on and I feel like this quote removes the quilty feelings that I have. I felt like it was too easy to move on. But I analyzed what I was feeling and what was going on and now I've moved on. This made sense to me.
“Well, for one thing, the culture we have does not make people feel good about themselves. We're teaching the wrong things. And you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn't work, don't buy it. Create your own. Most people can't do it.”
I tell my kids all the time that we live in "the world" but we are not of "the world."
“Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do somehing else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted.”
“I give myself a good cry if I need it. But then I concentrate on the good things still in my life. I don't allow myself any more self-pity than that. A little each every morning, a few tears, and that's all. ”
“I thought about all the people I knew who spent many of their waking hours feeling sorry for themselves. How useful it would be to put a daily limit on self-pity. Just a few tearful minutes, then on with the day.”
It's true. I think maybe its human nature to feel sorry for ourselves. But this does work. I just decided to not feel sorry for myself anymore and then I wasn't. Life goes on.
“There is no point in keeping vengeance or stubbornness. These things" -he sighed- "these things I so regret in my life. Pride. Vanity. Why do we do the things we do?"
I decided that I will forgive those people that I wanted to be with me when I was suffering and they weren't. I have decided that it doesn't always need to be about me. I will give love and not regret it.
“If you're always battling against getting older, you're always going to be unhappy, because it will happen anyhow.”
I've been sad about my new normal. I don't want my years of being a mom to end. Its really sad to me to not be able to have babies. I don't know how to prepare for my life with no young kids. It's all I've ever wanted to do. But I can't waste any more time. And I do want to be happy. I have to figure out how to find peace and say good bye to that part of my life and embrace the new one.
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