Decisions. Decisions.

This post is personal and I usually don't talk about stuff like this but something positive or useful or educational needs to come of this.
After I had my 5th miscarriage in just over a year and ended up needed a blood transfusion we decided to end the craziness. I got an IUD. Over the summer we had 2 sweet foster boys so it was a super fun, busy summer with 6 kids. It was great.
While I was in Oregon for the wedding of my niece I was attending the temple. We had gone through the session and I was getting dressed. Now I had been pondering the idea of trying to have another kid for a couple of months but the idea was so insane that I never voiced it to Travis. But there in the dressing room I heard the words in my head. You need to try for another one. That's what I heard. And I knew it meant I should try to get pregnant again. That's easy for me. It's hard not to get pregnant with Trav around. I also understood quite clearly that it meant no guarantees. I didn't hear you need to have another baby. I heard something similar to that when it was time to have Steel. But this time it was you need to try. I felt very strongly that I was being asked to try. I knew that actually getting a baby from it was an uncertainty.
So, I talked to Travis and he was on board for trying. But we both said once more, that's it. I got pregnant within 2 months of having the IUD out. And you know the rest.
I am still trying to reconcile myself with what is supposed to come of all of this. I still wonder why I couldn't keep any of the babies that I have lost. And I know that some people will say that I will get to raise them in the next life but I don't know if that's true.
When I am doubting myself and my choices and my bossiness it is nice to have the assurance that this is something I was supposed to do and go through. I don't doubt that voice I heard in the temple telling me to try.  And some day I would like to know why. Because I'm kind of mad. But I would do it again.