Reffing Again...Ready or Not

Last night I reffed again for the first time since I lost the baby. It had been 9 days.

I was nervous and worried because fans, players and coaches don't usually treat referees as people. They say horrible mean things and criticize and critique. I feel certain the majority of them wouldn't talk like that to another person they met on the street. Let alone, someone that is working really hard to do a good job and has spent countless hours trying to become an expert in their field. Unfortunately this is basketball culture.The refs are the bad guys.

So, I thought about things I could do to curb the mean people. I thought about how I would handle coaches and fan. I wondered which teams I would get. At the facility that we work at, we see the same teams over and over. Even though I didn't feel like it I got ready and went.

My first partner was a young fireman named Dan. He's super cute. And he's a great ref. I had done both of the teams before. One of the coaches is a class act and never says anything. She concentrates on coaching her kids and lets the calls stand. They other guy is a read d. bag. He has a big chip on his shoulder. He struts around like a little rooster. Last time I did a game for him I should have thrown him from the gym but I didn't. So when I saw that team, I was like, CRAP. But as a blessing to me that night, he never said a word to me. I do have to say, we called a great game. That helps. And out of my 4 games, only one coach said anything to me. He asked me to help my partner out. I was reffing with my husband at the time. I quickly shut the coach down. I needed the encounter to be short because I didn't know how I would handle the conflice emotionally. It just wouldn't do for me to cry. And he didn't say another word and even came up to us afterwards and said good job. 

It felt really good to get back to normal. It was nice to do something that I really enjoy. It was great to get my body moving. I could sprint with the kids again on the fast breaks. That was nice. Because I didn't like how slow I was when I was pregnant. And when I think something like that I think that maybe that discounts that little baby that we tried to have. But then I remember that this is the new reality. Things will be easier but that doesn't necessarily make those things bad. 

I have made a lot of friends with the other officials. Male officials. I had to tell most of my partners because I got really slow and chubby and if I had to leave the court to throw up I wanted them to know why. I'm not sure how quickly word spread that I had a miscarriage. But I didn't say anything. In my area, out of 160 officials, there are like 6 women. We are in a man's world. And this doesn't bother me because I was raised by a would-be chauvinist. I know my dad had those leanings but after raising 5 daughters I think we knocked it out him. So I can hold my own with these men but I definitely didn't want to talk about losing my little baby. And it wasn't brought up so I could almost pretend like everything was great. 

The girl that runs the facility is visibly pregnant. I'm happy for her. She cradled her little tummy with both hands as she stood in front of me and honestly, I was happy for her. Trav said he notices all the pregnant ladies now. And it's true. While we are not envious because we only wanted our baby.  But we do seem to notice all the pregnant ladies and all the new babies. Trav said its probably like when you get a new car and then you notice everyone else that drives that one too. 

I feel like its disingenuous to that little soul that we don't get to raise that it is so easy to just move on. But then I think that the greatest thing I can do for any of my children is to live a full life and be happy. We don't write stories and tell tales of people that just laid in their beds and cried or were bitter and angry. We revere people that had courage. That did things that they seemingly shouldn't have been able to do. And even though it may only be me that can understand how much effort it takes to keep moving, that's enough.

Then there is a still higher type of courage - the courage to brave pain, to live with it, to never let others know of it and to still find joy in life; to wake up in the morning with an enthusiasm for the day ahead.

Howard Cosell