I'm going to try to keep track of what's going on in our lives on this blog. We will see if I can find 5 minutes a day.....
Monday, July 31, 2017
Finding Joy in the Journey
My baby, Reagan, turned 2 this past month. Saying these past 2 years has been hard is an understatement. They've been excruciating and exquisite at the same time. I have loved my babies but it has been emotionally, mentally and physically taxing. Also, my dad's cancer has spread and I feel like my heart will break every. day. I have a teenage daughter who thinks I'm an idiot and my 15 year old son is becoming a typical teenager. It seems like when one thing ends another begins. I guess that's what life is about.
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
Bending My Will
One day, I finally gave in to the prompting to check my facebook page that I set up for my adopted kids. I set up this page to keep in touch with their birth mother and their birth brothers' family. It had been nagging at me for over a month, So, I checked it out. I had a message from the boys' grandma saying, "I wish the boys were with you. Bn is not doing good."
I called DCFS and spoke to a supervisor. Our caseworker's last day with DCFS was the day we adopted the babies. I knew something was up because usually you cannot speak to someone the same day even if it is important. She was vague because of confidentiality but asked if the boys were to come back into foster care would I like to take them. ACK! How could I possibly do that? I am so overwhelmed. But, then I remembered these sad, little boys that we sent home to their dad. I remembered how traumatic is was for them to go from house to house and how H developed ptsd from it all. So.....I said yes. And then she said that these boys are most likely headed for adoption. Could we adopt them? I'm sorry, but no. We cannot. That much I knew firmly.
They came to us within 2 days. These sweet, scared, confused little boys. But this time when they came back, they were relieved. We had already developed a relationship of trust. They relaxed and fit right in. It was so nice to have them.
The last day in our house over a year ago, H had a fit for a few hours, told me that he hated me, etc, etc. I was more than relieved to see them go. They were hard and made life so chaotic and unpredictable.
But, this time we all fell in love. The very next morning, H said, I'm so glad that I'm here. They told me I was going to Karyn's. I forgot that was you. If I had know it was you I would have been happy.
He would say things like you're the best mom in the world. And can I just call you mom for now?
He would say, Am I going to stay with you guys forever? I mean, how many tears can I cry? And I would have to say, we'll see. When he would ask, when can I sign up for wrestling, I would say, we'll see.
So about 10 days into this, I decided that I wanted to adopt them too. I decided right before I rolled over to go to sleep. I could not sleep a wink. Seriously. Usually, when I go to sleep, I am out for the night, Nothing. Until 6 in the morning. Just tossing and turning. The babies weren't even up. Finally, I remembered when my friend told me something in the course of a conversation. She said, remember, stupor of thought is an answer. Those words ran through my head. It was an aha moment. I was having stupor of thought. I could not find peace. So I said to myself, fine. It's not the right thing to adopt these boys. And I fell right to sleep for 45 minutes until it was time to get up to start the day.
So, I began to worry. What would their lives be like? Who would care for them? Who would help them to be normal? To walk through life without being a victim? Who would give them the skills to conquer everything put before them?
As I pondered this new question, a name popped in my head, followed by goose bumps. I knew it had to be inspiration. This girl had helped me out with the babies when the kids went back to school in the fall. So, I messaged her and asked if she would be interested. A couple phone calls later and approval from the placement committee and they were on board.
The boys loved her and her husband. They are great. They will love them like their own. They texted me a picture of By snuggling with the boys and her daughter. I cried. She will have the time and the energy to love on these boys like I can't. She can read all day them. I can't. She can carry T around like he desperately wants. I can't. By is having trouble getting kids the conventional way. She gets to be a mother. They boys get to have a mother. It's a win-win. My daughter said, Don't be selfish, mom. You can't keep all the blessings for yourself.
Heavenly Father is in charge. He is the master and if we let him, he will put all the pieces together for us. It was a great lesson for me that even good things can be better. To remember to do the Lord's will first and not my own.
I called DCFS and spoke to a supervisor. Our caseworker's last day with DCFS was the day we adopted the babies. I knew something was up because usually you cannot speak to someone the same day even if it is important. She was vague because of confidentiality but asked if the boys were to come back into foster care would I like to take them. ACK! How could I possibly do that? I am so overwhelmed. But, then I remembered these sad, little boys that we sent home to their dad. I remembered how traumatic is was for them to go from house to house and how H developed ptsd from it all. So.....I said yes. And then she said that these boys are most likely headed for adoption. Could we adopt them? I'm sorry, but no. We cannot. That much I knew firmly.
They came to us within 2 days. These sweet, scared, confused little boys. But this time when they came back, they were relieved. We had already developed a relationship of trust. They relaxed and fit right in. It was so nice to have them.
The last day in our house over a year ago, H had a fit for a few hours, told me that he hated me, etc, etc. I was more than relieved to see them go. They were hard and made life so chaotic and unpredictable.
But, this time we all fell in love. The very next morning, H said, I'm so glad that I'm here. They told me I was going to Karyn's. I forgot that was you. If I had know it was you I would have been happy.
He would say things like you're the best mom in the world. And can I just call you mom for now?
He would say, Am I going to stay with you guys forever? I mean, how many tears can I cry? And I would have to say, we'll see. When he would ask, when can I sign up for wrestling, I would say, we'll see.
So about 10 days into this, I decided that I wanted to adopt them too. I decided right before I rolled over to go to sleep. I could not sleep a wink. Seriously. Usually, when I go to sleep, I am out for the night, Nothing. Until 6 in the morning. Just tossing and turning. The babies weren't even up. Finally, I remembered when my friend told me something in the course of a conversation. She said, remember, stupor of thought is an answer. Those words ran through my head. It was an aha moment. I was having stupor of thought. I could not find peace. So I said to myself, fine. It's not the right thing to adopt these boys. And I fell right to sleep for 45 minutes until it was time to get up to start the day.
So, I began to worry. What would their lives be like? Who would care for them? Who would help them to be normal? To walk through life without being a victim? Who would give them the skills to conquer everything put before them?
As I pondered this new question, a name popped in my head, followed by goose bumps. I knew it had to be inspiration. This girl had helped me out with the babies when the kids went back to school in the fall. So, I messaged her and asked if she would be interested. A couple phone calls later and approval from the placement committee and they were on board.
The boys loved her and her husband. They are great. They will love them like their own. They texted me a picture of By snuggling with the boys and her daughter. I cried. She will have the time and the energy to love on these boys like I can't. She can read all day them. I can't. She can carry T around like he desperately wants. I can't. By is having trouble getting kids the conventional way. She gets to be a mother. They boys get to have a mother. It's a win-win. My daughter said, Don't be selfish, mom. You can't keep all the blessings for yourself.
Heavenly Father is in charge. He is the master and if we let him, he will put all the pieces together for us. It was a great lesson for me that even good things can be better. To remember to do the Lord's will first and not my own.
Monday, October 26, 2015
Letter To My Friend
Hi Tiffany,
I felt inspired to share an experience with you. So here you go.
Right after I had my first child, Normandy, I started to experience ear problems. Loss of hearing, vertigo, tinnitus, all sorts of stuff. It was really no fun. And I had a really hard time accepting what was happening. I was finally getting to be a mother and I could not understand how I could be sick. I was really sick. I couldn't do anything when the dizziness hit. I had a hard time with my faith. I had always been taught that if you have enough faith you can fix anything. This is not true and it is also a hard lesson to learn.
Flash forward to 10 years. I was still having ear troubles. As I was trying to get the kids to school in the morning I had a spell of vertigo and I fell and hit my head on a cupboard and kept hitting my head because I felt like I was falling over and over. It happened just feet from my kids. This was one of the only times my kids saw me be dizzy. I tried really hard to shield it from them. So I was particularly upset. I called my dad and he came to my house.
My dad is wonderful. He is good old boy. He worked construction my whole life. He always had grease under his fingernails and a super tan face. He is strong and really stubborn. He was the perfect dad for me.
Just as he was getting to my house another spell of vertigo hit. My dad walked me to the couch. He found ginger powder and made me take it with water to stem the nausea. Then he knelt in front of me and rubbed my shoulder and then he said something to me that changed me forever. My big strong dad with tears in his eyes said, "If I could do this for you I would." And I knew he meant it. There's a whole other story here because my dad has walked through more sorrow and grief than most men and came out the other side so I didn't have to. Another time....
After he put me to bed and the dizziness subsided I had time to ponder. I had always perceived my Heavenly Father as a distant being. I knew that the trials we had were for our own good. That all this stuff would make me better. That I had to go through challenges to be God-like. I thought of my Heavenly Father sort of like a scientist in a laboratory. You know, let's see what happens when we do this to her. How will she respond if we do that?
It became really clear to me that my Heavenly Father felt towards me as my own Dad does, When I am struggling and my trials are very hard to bear, he is in front of me saying, "If I could do this for you I would." I am so sure of this. And when I'm mad that crappy things are happening, He will brush it off and love me anyway. When I call, He will send help. When I'm suffering. I am not alone.
I'm so sorry for what you and your little baby girl are going through. Cancer is a jerk. I hate it.
I hope you are faring well enough.
With love, Karyn
I felt inspired to share an experience with you. So here you go.
Right after I had my first child, Normandy, I started to experience ear problems. Loss of hearing, vertigo, tinnitus, all sorts of stuff. It was really no fun. And I had a really hard time accepting what was happening. I was finally getting to be a mother and I could not understand how I could be sick. I was really sick. I couldn't do anything when the dizziness hit. I had a hard time with my faith. I had always been taught that if you have enough faith you can fix anything. This is not true and it is also a hard lesson to learn.
Flash forward to 10 years. I was still having ear troubles. As I was trying to get the kids to school in the morning I had a spell of vertigo and I fell and hit my head on a cupboard and kept hitting my head because I felt like I was falling over and over. It happened just feet from my kids. This was one of the only times my kids saw me be dizzy. I tried really hard to shield it from them. So I was particularly upset. I called my dad and he came to my house.
My dad is wonderful. He is good old boy. He worked construction my whole life. He always had grease under his fingernails and a super tan face. He is strong and really stubborn. He was the perfect dad for me.
Just as he was getting to my house another spell of vertigo hit. My dad walked me to the couch. He found ginger powder and made me take it with water to stem the nausea. Then he knelt in front of me and rubbed my shoulder and then he said something to me that changed me forever. My big strong dad with tears in his eyes said, "If I could do this for you I would." And I knew he meant it. There's a whole other story here because my dad has walked through more sorrow and grief than most men and came out the other side so I didn't have to. Another time....
After he put me to bed and the dizziness subsided I had time to ponder. I had always perceived my Heavenly Father as a distant being. I knew that the trials we had were for our own good. That all this stuff would make me better. That I had to go through challenges to be God-like. I thought of my Heavenly Father sort of like a scientist in a laboratory. You know, let's see what happens when we do this to her. How will she respond if we do that?
It became really clear to me that my Heavenly Father felt towards me as my own Dad does, When I am struggling and my trials are very hard to bear, he is in front of me saying, "If I could do this for you I would." I am so sure of this. And when I'm mad that crappy things are happening, He will brush it off and love me anyway. When I call, He will send help. When I'm suffering. I am not alone.
I'm so sorry for what you and your little baby girl are going through. Cancer is a jerk. I hate it.
I hope you are faring well enough.
With love, Karyn
Thursday, August 20, 2015
Day by day
So, it seems pretty weird to be writing about how hard my life is now that I have 3 babies. When I started writing this I was trying for just one and would have been ecstatic to know that I would have these precious little souls to raise. But that doesn't negate the fact that it is hard. It's 11 at night and Abe is in the swing and Reagan is in a wrap on my chest and I'm tired. I sleep a couple of hours a night if I'm lucky. Tonight was supposed to be the first night we put Abe in his own bed in a bedroom with J. He seems to know what is up so he is ready to party. He is so sweet. Every time he catches my gaze he smiles so wide. I just love him so much.
It's next to impossible for me to even stay caught up on my housework. It takes me 2 hours to get everyone fed and changed and happy in the morning. And that doesn't include a shower for me and sometimes, a bra.
A couple of nights ago after a particularly harrowing afternoon, my husband called. I was on my way from picking up my son from lacrosse practice and Trav asked what was for dinner. Is he serious? My afternoon was nonstop babies and kids. But I did find time to dictate to my daughter what to make for dinner. Nice girl that she is she made dinner. I made green beans with the help of my boys.
I keep reminding myself that in 5 years it won't matter if my house was a mess or if my kids had toast for dinner. My babies are only little once and I don't want to miss a second of the preciousness of holding them and feeding them and even changing them. They are so special. It is amazing to me every day that I get to raise these wonderful, challenging children.
It's next to impossible for me to even stay caught up on my housework. It takes me 2 hours to get everyone fed and changed and happy in the morning. And that doesn't include a shower for me and sometimes, a bra.
A couple of nights ago after a particularly harrowing afternoon, my husband called. I was on my way from picking up my son from lacrosse practice and Trav asked what was for dinner. Is he serious? My afternoon was nonstop babies and kids. But I did find time to dictate to my daughter what to make for dinner. Nice girl that she is she made dinner. I made green beans with the help of my boys.
I keep reminding myself that in 5 years it won't matter if my house was a mess or if my kids had toast for dinner. My babies are only little once and I don't want to miss a second of the preciousness of holding them and feeding them and even changing them. They are so special. It is amazing to me every day that I get to raise these wonderful, challenging children.
Monday, August 17, 2015
Letter to my OB
Dear Dr. Bean,
In February 2014, you were my doctor as I delivered a miscarriage at 18 weeks. This was my sixth miscarriage in a row. I wanted to let you what an impact you have made in my life since.
While in the hospital you quoted a stat for what our chances were for having a healthy baby. And I laughed. I remember you coming up by the head of my bed and assuring me that I could have a healthy baby in the future. I wasn't ready to hear that but it stayed with me.
When I went in for my 2-week appointment with you, you said that you really thought that I should try to have another baby. My heart wasn't in it, but I kept thinking about what you said, over and over.
My husband was done with the whole process and ready to move on.
We started fostering a baby in May of 2014. Her mother became pregnant again in July of that same year. We were informed that this new baby may come to our home as well.
In August of 2014, my husband decided that he wanted to try to have a baby one more time. But if we didn't get pregnant by the end of the year, we were done and this was our final try.
As soon as I got pregnant I knew we were through trying to have another baby. Whatever the ending was, we were done. I saw you for most of my early appointments. But one appointment stands out in particular. We had received the test results from the panorama test. It was all good news but I still wasn't ready to feel optimistic. You put down the paperwork and looked at me and said, "This is going to have a happy ending. I promise."
When other people had told me that everything would be fine, I always said, how can you know? It hasn't been fine in the past. It was on the tip of my tongue to say this and then, I believed you. I feel like you were inspired that day to tell me these words. That day was the day I decided to embrace the pregnancy and prepare for our new little one. I repeated what you said and replayed the memory of that interaction often.
I didn't get to see you for many later visits. Dr. Melendez delivered our little girl, Reagan, on July 6th.
Thank you for your optimism and your kind words. Thank you for being willing to offer your words even when I didn't want to hear them. I appreciate what you do, you take care of more than the body.
In less than a month, my family will be going to the temple. We will be getting sealed to our babies that are 19 months and 5 months. They will be formally adopted the day before. In the course of a year we are adding 3 babies to our family. And we are finally done with having babies.
Thank you,
Karyn Labrum
In February 2014, you were my doctor as I delivered a miscarriage at 18 weeks. This was my sixth miscarriage in a row. I wanted to let you what an impact you have made in my life since.
While in the hospital you quoted a stat for what our chances were for having a healthy baby. And I laughed. I remember you coming up by the head of my bed and assuring me that I could have a healthy baby in the future. I wasn't ready to hear that but it stayed with me.
When I went in for my 2-week appointment with you, you said that you really thought that I should try to have another baby. My heart wasn't in it, but I kept thinking about what you said, over and over.
My husband was done with the whole process and ready to move on.
We started fostering a baby in May of 2014. Her mother became pregnant again in July of that same year. We were informed that this new baby may come to our home as well.
In August of 2014, my husband decided that he wanted to try to have a baby one more time. But if we didn't get pregnant by the end of the year, we were done and this was our final try.
As soon as I got pregnant I knew we were through trying to have another baby. Whatever the ending was, we were done. I saw you for most of my early appointments. But one appointment stands out in particular. We had received the test results from the panorama test. It was all good news but I still wasn't ready to feel optimistic. You put down the paperwork and looked at me and said, "This is going to have a happy ending. I promise."
When other people had told me that everything would be fine, I always said, how can you know? It hasn't been fine in the past. It was on the tip of my tongue to say this and then, I believed you. I feel like you were inspired that day to tell me these words. That day was the day I decided to embrace the pregnancy and prepare for our new little one. I repeated what you said and replayed the memory of that interaction often.
I didn't get to see you for many later visits. Dr. Melendez delivered our little girl, Reagan, on July 6th.
Thank you for your optimism and your kind words. Thank you for being willing to offer your words even when I didn't want to hear them. I appreciate what you do, you take care of more than the body.
In less than a month, my family will be going to the temple. We will be getting sealed to our babies that are 19 months and 5 months. They will be formally adopted the day before. In the course of a year we are adding 3 babies to our family. And we are finally done with having babies.
Thank you,
Karyn Labrum
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
Trying for 7
This is Baby Stark. He was born middle of March. I guess I should change the name of the blog to trying for 7. Our new little baby due July 5th will be #7. It is a girl and we are planning on naming her Reagan. The naming of babies in this household is becoming increasingly difficult because the older kids feel that they should be part of the process. My oldest son actually wore me down enough that I gave in and that is why the little man will be named Stark once we adopt him.
I am officially 28 weeks 2 days along with this pregnancy. The baby seems great. She is active and all the tests came back normal. Just a waiting game....
Things with our little foster baby are going great. Birth mom dropped out of the picture the end of November. We haven't had to do a visit since. Baby J is great. She is still pretty behind. She just turned 16 months old and still can't walk proficiently yet. But her vocabulary is coming along. She started using a couple of signs and she has a couple of words that she says consistently. We love her and are so glad she is part of our family. We have a TPR scheduled for the beginning of May. At this court hearing, the parental rights should be terminated. Birth mom hasn't had contact and has been arrested for drug possession numerous times. And there is no dad on record for either of the kids. It should be a pretty easy hearing. In fact, our caseworker told me that we should contact an adoption attorney, which I did today. Waiting for a call back. But I can't believe that we are at this place already. Baby J will be #5.
That brings me to #6....
We had a court hearing the beginning of March. This was mostly to wrap up the case with for J's older brothers who we had for over 7 months. They went back to dad and seem to be doing great. You could have knocked me over when birth mom showed up to the hearing. She was incommunicado for over 3 months and had active warrants for her arrest. But she waltzed in and took J from my husband and held her for the whole proceedings. It was agonizing for me.
She was 8 months pregnant at the time. When she disappeared, she still wasn't showing and so we wondered if she really was pregnant. I wondered if the baby could survive the lifestyle I assumed she was living. Birth mom reported to court that she was clean. That she wanted to get J back. That she was entering a rehab the very next week that would allow her to keep her new baby. It was all very surreal.
I expected to have to do visitation the next week if the reports were accurate. I waited on pins and needles. Now, I am a proponent of foster kids going back home. I don't want it to seem like I'm not. But in this case, I know that birth mom is not capable of caring for Baby J. And I worry that since she is so loved and coddled that is will hurt her to be in an environment where she is sort of an afterthought.
I was napping the next week, which I do every day. Being pregnant at almost 40 is not easy. I got a phone call from the caseworker which I ignored. I didn't want a visit. Then another call which I ignored. Then a text. I figured I would check out the text. The caseworker said call ASAP. So I probably swore and then called. She said the day we knew would happen has happened. My heart sank. But no visit or change. Birth mom had her baby. He tested positive for drugs in his urine. This is bad. Usually they have to test cord blood for babies. It means it was really recent use to show up in his pee. The baby would be removed from mom's custody immediately. Did we want him?
Did we? I told Trav that I would say no when this day came. This pregnancy has been hard for me. I feel like we are complete and don't need to try any more. I feel overwhelmed by what's on my plate already. Is it fair to my other kids? But then I felt this overwhelming feeling that we should and so I said Of Course.
Baby was 4 weeks early. Which is common in drug exposed infants. He weighed over 5 pounds. He was doing good but was being monitored for withdrawal symptoms. I asked if I could see him and was told it was fine. I just needed to wait for the warrant to be served for removal. The removal officer would call. That was at 12:30. So I called Trav. Told him we were taking the baby. Which, saint that he is, he was on board with. Then I scrambled to try to find gear for a preemie baby in less than one day. We were told we could bring him home the next morning.
I finally couldn't wait and called the hospital around 6. Everything was in order and I could visit around 8 after the shift change. So I went shopping for the little guy and then went to the hospital. When I first met him, I fell in love. He was so tiny and helpless with no one in the world to care for him but me. And so even though we didn't know if we would be able to keep him or what was in store, I was going to be his mama for as long as he needed. Nothing held back. I was all in. The hospital treated me just like his mama, too. That was nice.
He was able to come on Sunday morning.
He is now 5 1/2 weeks old. He is doing great. He is over 7 pounds. He is cute as a button. He has a really loud cry. His withdrawal symptoms have mostly abated. He likes to party in the middle of the night. I hope he gets that figured out before Reagan comes.
In my last post, I was so sure that our baby was a boy. I could feel a boy's presence. Now, I have no doubt that I was feeling Baby Stark. I am not clairvoyant or psychic. Even though it does run in my family. But I could tell we had a boy coming. It's nice reassurance when I feel overwhelmed and tired and wondering how we will do 3 babies.
So, we should be able to adopt these 2 kiddos by the beginning of June. And Reagan will be born soon after. Now that I 'm old they won't even let me go to term. They say there are too many complications that can crop up. So, I won't be surprised if she's a little early. My placenta deteriorates and calcifies early. But my babies like to go late. Not a great combo. That's why my first 2 sons were induced and it was a little scary. With Steel we monitored and I sat around and drank lots of water and he did great. We will see how this one goes...
I am so happy and excited to get to raise these little ones. I know it will be hard but this is what I was put on Earth for.
Sunday, December 28, 2014
12 weeks
At my last appointment on Wednesday, I was 11 weeks, 3 days. The baby's heartbeat was very strong. He was moving around, waving his arms and legs. He looked great. I asked the doctor if we were out of the woods. He said not until 12 weeks. I said but I'm 11 and 1/2. He said there are no studies that show 11 and 1/2. They only show 11 and 12 weeks. I asked so the chance of miscarriage are higher in week 11 than 12 and he said yes. He said that once we reach 12 week the chance of miscarriage are less than 1%. I've heard all the percentages before and I know that I lie in the less than 1% range. So I said but not for me. And he said, not for you.
My husband didn't want me to make an appointment for Christmas Eve because he didn't want me to ruin Christmas. I told him that if I was still sick I would go, if I felt better I would cancel. I was pretty confident with the way that I was feeling that the baby would still be there. And he was. And I was able to enjoy Christmas. I didn't have to wonder if my little baby was still with us.
So, I want to say we are out of the woods with this little baby but until I see the heartbeat again, I guess we can't count on anything.
Since I've stopped taking the progesterone, which was 2 days ago, my nausea has gotten a little better. This has freaked me out completely. Both nights since then I have stayed awake panicked that my baby has died. I'm pretty sure when the last baby died, I felt better instantly but I worry that it may be gradual this time. I've been sneezing without my tendons feeling like they were ripping in half. But when I woke up this morning, my stomach hurt really bad so that made me feel better.
I started out with this pregnancy believing that we really would get a baby out of it. I feel like its a boy. I feel like I can sense his presence. My husband thinks this is crap. But he's never been a mama. He doesn't know what it's like. But now that we get further into it. I can't let myself believe it anymore. Now that I want to say things like, when the baby gets here or the baby will be this old then. I tell myself that I am stupid to plan. That I am just setting myself up for heartbreak. But I need to be positive for the baby to have the best chance. And who am I kidding, my world will be shattered if this baby dies. I'm hanging all my hopes on this chance.
My biggest fear, obviously, is that my baby will die. I've seen him moving. I've seen his heartbeat. I swear I can feel his presence, waiting to come to us. My mother's heart has been broken before. How can a baby die inside of my body? How did I not protect this child? How could I let that happen? Even though I know the whole while, intellectually, that it is out of my control? All I ever want to do as a mama, is to take care of my kids. I am so scared that I will not be able to take care of this baby. Will he die, too? Will I even know?
Our little foster boys got to go home to their Dad the week before Christmas so we got to move Baby J into her own room. My husband left the crib up because he is anticipating having the new baby in it. Last night, I was thinking, it will really suck to take that down after the baby dies. This is my internal battle. I think of my first pregnancies and how I bought baby clothes and maternity clothes from the pregnancy test on. Weird stuff.
My next appointment is Wednesday, New Years Eve. Wish me luck...
My husband didn't want me to make an appointment for Christmas Eve because he didn't want me to ruin Christmas. I told him that if I was still sick I would go, if I felt better I would cancel. I was pretty confident with the way that I was feeling that the baby would still be there. And he was. And I was able to enjoy Christmas. I didn't have to wonder if my little baby was still with us.
So, I want to say we are out of the woods with this little baby but until I see the heartbeat again, I guess we can't count on anything.
Since I've stopped taking the progesterone, which was 2 days ago, my nausea has gotten a little better. This has freaked me out completely. Both nights since then I have stayed awake panicked that my baby has died. I'm pretty sure when the last baby died, I felt better instantly but I worry that it may be gradual this time. I've been sneezing without my tendons feeling like they were ripping in half. But when I woke up this morning, my stomach hurt really bad so that made me feel better.
I started out with this pregnancy believing that we really would get a baby out of it. I feel like its a boy. I feel like I can sense his presence. My husband thinks this is crap. But he's never been a mama. He doesn't know what it's like. But now that we get further into it. I can't let myself believe it anymore. Now that I want to say things like, when the baby gets here or the baby will be this old then. I tell myself that I am stupid to plan. That I am just setting myself up for heartbreak. But I need to be positive for the baby to have the best chance. And who am I kidding, my world will be shattered if this baby dies. I'm hanging all my hopes on this chance.
My biggest fear, obviously, is that my baby will die. I've seen him moving. I've seen his heartbeat. I swear I can feel his presence, waiting to come to us. My mother's heart has been broken before. How can a baby die inside of my body? How did I not protect this child? How could I let that happen? Even though I know the whole while, intellectually, that it is out of my control? All I ever want to do as a mama, is to take care of my kids. I am so scared that I will not be able to take care of this baby. Will he die, too? Will I even know?
Our little foster boys got to go home to their Dad the week before Christmas so we got to move Baby J into her own room. My husband left the crib up because he is anticipating having the new baby in it. Last night, I was thinking, it will really suck to take that down after the baby dies. This is my internal battle. I think of my first pregnancies and how I bought baby clothes and maternity clothes from the pregnancy test on. Weird stuff.
My next appointment is Wednesday, New Years Eve. Wish me luck...
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
Weird Feelings
I have come to the conclusion over the last few months that this would be our very last try. I know I may have said that before but this time I feel it in my heart. I feel awful. I have been dizzy and lightheaded. I am nauseous and exhausted and not to mention grumpy. I know my husband would hate it if I forgot to mention that one. And while I know that all of these symptoms come with the territory of being pregnant, I am sick of having to go through them with no baby to show for it. It takes its toll. So, I've been noticing the good things that can come of no longer having babies and/or being pregnant. I think we will have a good life. The anxiety I felt at being by myself is gone. I think it will be different. And sometimes that's good. I really feel like if there was another baby for my family we would have it by now. I know that having Baby J in our home helps me feel better. Being able to hold her and love on her is good for my soul. But if she goes home, our lives will go on. And they will be great lives, full of love and laughter.
I guess this was the feeling I was waiting for. The feeling that I was done trying.
If we had to bet on this pregnancy, we all would bet on it not working out. And that's okay. Whatever the outcome is, I am prepared this time. Life goes on....
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
No heartbeat
We didn't see a heartbeat yesterday but the doctor wasn't convinced that it was over yet. Since the last ultrasound there has been action. There is now a yolk sac and there is fetal material. The doctor said that given my history he would have liked to have seen a heartbeat but it is still 50/50 at 6 weeks 1 day whether he can usually see one. The fetus was right at the curvature of the sac so it was blocked. It seemed to me that I could see the heartbeat but it was really faint and it was hard to make it out from the frequency of the machine.
So, no answers for another week. This is how it goes with me. The good news is that I do feel nauseous most of the day and really tired. And really grumpy, which my husband tells me is a surefire sign that I am pregnant.
We should definitely be able to see a heartbeat next week.
So, no answers for another week. This is how it goes with me. The good news is that I do feel nauseous most of the day and really tired. And really grumpy, which my husband tells me is a surefire sign that I am pregnant.
We should definitely be able to see a heartbeat next week.
Sunday, November 16, 2014
Pregnant Again
That's right, Folks! I am a glutton for punishment. I just didn't feel like I was done with this journey.
I found out a little over 2 weeks ago that I was pregnant for the 11th time.
This time is very bittersweet. I cannot believe that I still have hope for a baby with this one but I do. The human spirit will not be held back. I hope it works out. But in am realistic enough to realize that the end result will almost undoubtedly be a miscarriage.
We have had 3 foster kids since the middle of May and that is helping to keep me busy. I am way less freaked out and obsessed about my symptoms or lack thereof. We have a foster baby who is now 11 months old. She has been such a blessing. Not only is she just a joy and a super fun baby but my arms aren't empty anymore. We hope we get to adopt her but it is a long journey that we cannot predict so we have to assume she will go back to her mother but we hope not.
I cannot forget that she isn't mine so I hold back because I fear the loss of another baby. But I recognize that she deserves a mother that is fully invested and so I tell myself that it's not about me, its about her. But my defenses are up for the pain and grief and I automatically want to protect myself from anything that will cause me more pain.
I have told 2 friends about the pregnancy. I usually am a blabber mouth. But I'm trying to keep it on the DL. My friends say I'm brave but I think people will think I am stupid. How can she keep doing that to herself and her family? Doesn't she know what will happen? I'm not ready for reactions either way.
Even though, I know that after 6 miscarriages people were so over me, I still had a journey to go through and I was lonely. I would rather not have people know if I have to do it alone again. I don't want pity and I don't want disdain. I really just want to make sure that I'm not closing any doors that may be open even if it's just a tiny crack.
My HCG levels were great last week. I had an ultrasound because I was cramping alot. Even though there wasn't much to see, it looked good.
Tomorrow at 3:45 is another ultrasound. I am 6 weeks today. We should be able to see a heartbeat if there is one. Wish me luck.
I found out a little over 2 weeks ago that I was pregnant for the 11th time.
This time is very bittersweet. I cannot believe that I still have hope for a baby with this one but I do. The human spirit will not be held back. I hope it works out. But in am realistic enough to realize that the end result will almost undoubtedly be a miscarriage.
We have had 3 foster kids since the middle of May and that is helping to keep me busy. I am way less freaked out and obsessed about my symptoms or lack thereof. We have a foster baby who is now 11 months old. She has been such a blessing. Not only is she just a joy and a super fun baby but my arms aren't empty anymore. We hope we get to adopt her but it is a long journey that we cannot predict so we have to assume she will go back to her mother but we hope not.
I cannot forget that she isn't mine so I hold back because I fear the loss of another baby. But I recognize that she deserves a mother that is fully invested and so I tell myself that it's not about me, its about her. But my defenses are up for the pain and grief and I automatically want to protect myself from anything that will cause me more pain.
I have told 2 friends about the pregnancy. I usually am a blabber mouth. But I'm trying to keep it on the DL. My friends say I'm brave but I think people will think I am stupid. How can she keep doing that to herself and her family? Doesn't she know what will happen? I'm not ready for reactions either way.
Even though, I know that after 6 miscarriages people were so over me, I still had a journey to go through and I was lonely. I would rather not have people know if I have to do it alone again. I don't want pity and I don't want disdain. I really just want to make sure that I'm not closing any doors that may be open even if it's just a tiny crack.
My HCG levels were great last week. I had an ultrasound because I was cramping alot. Even though there wasn't much to see, it looked good.
Tomorrow at 3:45 is another ultrasound. I am 6 weeks today. We should be able to see a heartbeat if there is one. Wish me luck.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Baby R
I jumped at the opportunity to do respite care for another mom. We get to watch a 6 month old baby for a week. I didn't know how nice it would be.
This little baby has the sweetest little spirit. She is so nice to be around. We have been having a blast. My heart feels good.
One night as I was getting ready to go ref and R was with us in our room my husband asked, "Does having R around not make you feel so sad?" I didn't realize I was that transparent. I said, a little surprise, Yes. What about you? I thought the you said you were over the miscarriage. He said he was. He was sad about not having more kids.
We will have to let her go on Sunday but I intend to listen to her little noises and give her squishy hugs a lot until then.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Trying Again
I was supposed to get an IUD at 6 weeks post delivery. But I couldn't bring myself to do it.
The other night my husband was in our room with me while I was getting ready to go ref. He said when do you turn 40? I told him. He said we should try again next year and try to time it for around your 40th. (We are still so silly that we can hope and plan ahead. I truly find it odd.) He said when are you fertile again? And I had to tell him I already had a cycle. He just laughed and hugged me. So I guess we are trying again.
My plan it to try to keep it to myself if I get pregnant again (which has never been an issue). I would like to have the harmony test done that tests for hormonal abnormalities. I can have that at 9 weeks. That way we should know for sure that it is viable and that there is nothing major wrong with the baby. Anyways, that's my plan.
Seriously, who can still plan after all this?
The other night my husband was in our room with me while I was getting ready to go ref. He said when do you turn 40? I told him. He said we should try again next year and try to time it for around your 40th. (We are still so silly that we can hope and plan ahead. I truly find it odd.) He said when are you fertile again? And I had to tell him I already had a cycle. He just laughed and hugged me. So I guess we are trying again.
My plan it to try to keep it to myself if I get pregnant again (which has never been an issue). I would like to have the harmony test done that tests for hormonal abnormalities. I can have that at 9 weeks. That way we should know for sure that it is viable and that there is nothing major wrong with the baby. Anyways, that's my plan.
Seriously, who can still plan after all this?
What did you go through?
This Easter weekend all of my husband's siblings were in town. We had a big photo shoot. The first one we have had in my 17 years of being married to the family. It was great. Really it was. I love my little family and my husband's family is great. They really are. I just have a few gripes.
The year that we started trying to have our 5th we had 3 pregnancies that had due dates in 2012. That year all of Trav's siblings but him had babies. They took a picture of those 3 little one year olds. Trav and I were watching and I tried very casually to say, "We would have had one that age too." And he said, "I know." But we were the only ones that knew.
And then later when everyone else was gathered at our house in the evening, we were all hanging out in the dining room. I said something about only having one friend. We talked about having friends and having good friends. And I said, "After what Trav and I have been through, it shows you who your friends really are." And his mom was shocked and said "What did you go through?" like she had missed something. And his sister said, ".....the miscarriages?" And his mom still looked surprised. And then Trav said, "We just lost a baby." "Oh."
Yes. Oh. It's only been 2 months. Everyone else has forgotten. I wondered why no one asked or brought up the fact that we lost our baby when I visited my family in Oregon for 10 days. Not once did anyone ask. I brought it up. Only my sister-in-law let me talk about it. And now I realize that they forgot too.
I wish I could forget.
The year that we started trying to have our 5th we had 3 pregnancies that had due dates in 2012. That year all of Trav's siblings but him had babies. They took a picture of those 3 little one year olds. Trav and I were watching and I tried very casually to say, "We would have had one that age too." And he said, "I know." But we were the only ones that knew.
And then later when everyone else was gathered at our house in the evening, we were all hanging out in the dining room. I said something about only having one friend. We talked about having friends and having good friends. And I said, "After what Trav and I have been through, it shows you who your friends really are." And his mom was shocked and said "What did you go through?" like she had missed something. And his sister said, ".....the miscarriages?" And his mom still looked surprised. And then Trav said, "We just lost a baby." "Oh."
Yes. Oh. It's only been 2 months. Everyone else has forgotten. I wondered why no one asked or brought up the fact that we lost our baby when I visited my family in Oregon for 10 days. Not once did anyone ask. I brought it up. Only my sister-in-law let me talk about it. And now I realize that they forgot too.
I wish I could forget.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Tuesdays with Morrie
I read the book Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom on the drive home from Oregon on Sunday. I grabbed it out of a box of books that my sister was selling in a yard sale Saturday morning. It was fabulous. I figured it would be because I loved The Five People You Meet In Heaven that he wrote too. Tuesdays with Morrie has sound advice that seemed really pertinent to what I've been trudging through. It's written simply and its easy to digest and apply. I'm super glad I read it.
“If you hold back on the emotions--if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them--you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. You're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your heard even, you experience them fully and completely.”
“Don't cling to things, because everything is impermanent... But detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you.
On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That's how you are able to leave it...You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief... But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely.You know what pain is. You know what love is. "All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.”
I loved this part. I feel like I've moved on and I feel like this quote removes the quilty feelings that I have. I felt like it was too easy to move on. But I analyzed what I was feeling and what was going on and now I've moved on. This made sense to me.
“Well, for one thing, the culture we have does not make people feel good about themselves. We're teaching the wrong things. And you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn't work, don't buy it. Create your own. Most people can't do it.”
I tell my kids all the time that we live in "the world" but we are not of "the world."
“Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do somehing else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted.”
“I give myself a good cry if I need it. But then I concentrate on the good things still in my life. I don't allow myself any more self-pity than that. A little each every morning, a few tears, and that's all. ”
“I thought about all the people I knew who spent many of their waking hours feeling sorry for themselves. How useful it would be to put a daily limit on self-pity. Just a few tearful minutes, then on with the day.”
It's true. I think maybe its human nature to feel sorry for ourselves. But this does work. I just decided to not feel sorry for myself anymore and then I wasn't. Life goes on.
“There is no point in keeping vengeance or stubbornness. These things" -he sighed- "these things I so regret in my life. Pride. Vanity. Why do we do the things we do?"
I decided that I will forgive those people that I wanted to be with me when I was suffering and they weren't. I have decided that it doesn't always need to be about me. I will give love and not regret it.
“If you're always battling against getting older, you're always going to be unhappy, because it will happen anyhow.”
I've been sad about my new normal. I don't want my years of being a mom to end. Its really sad to me to not be able to have babies. I don't know how to prepare for my life with no young kids. It's all I've ever wanted to do. But I can't waste any more time. And I do want to be happy. I have to figure out how to find peace and say good bye to that part of my life and embrace the new one.
“If you hold back on the emotions--if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them--you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. You're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your heard even, you experience them fully and completely.”
“Don't cling to things, because everything is impermanent... But detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you.
On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That's how you are able to leave it...You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief... But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely.You know what pain is. You know what love is. "All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.”
I loved this part. I feel like I've moved on and I feel like this quote removes the quilty feelings that I have. I felt like it was too easy to move on. But I analyzed what I was feeling and what was going on and now I've moved on. This made sense to me.
“Well, for one thing, the culture we have does not make people feel good about themselves. We're teaching the wrong things. And you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn't work, don't buy it. Create your own. Most people can't do it.”
I tell my kids all the time that we live in "the world" but we are not of "the world."
“Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do somehing else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted.”
“I give myself a good cry if I need it. But then I concentrate on the good things still in my life. I don't allow myself any more self-pity than that. A little each every morning, a few tears, and that's all. ”
“I thought about all the people I knew who spent many of their waking hours feeling sorry for themselves. How useful it would be to put a daily limit on self-pity. Just a few tearful minutes, then on with the day.”
It's true. I think maybe its human nature to feel sorry for ourselves. But this does work. I just decided to not feel sorry for myself anymore and then I wasn't. Life goes on.
“There is no point in keeping vengeance or stubbornness. These things" -he sighed- "these things I so regret in my life. Pride. Vanity. Why do we do the things we do?"
I decided that I will forgive those people that I wanted to be with me when I was suffering and they weren't. I have decided that it doesn't always need to be about me. I will give love and not regret it.
“If you're always battling against getting older, you're always going to be unhappy, because it will happen anyhow.”
I've been sad about my new normal. I don't want my years of being a mom to end. Its really sad to me to not be able to have babies. I don't know how to prepare for my life with no young kids. It's all I've ever wanted to do. But I can't waste any more time. And I do want to be happy. I have to figure out how to find peace and say good bye to that part of my life and embrace the new one.
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Friends
I've been lonely. And sad. And mad. And frustrated. And lonely.
I know that hanging out with someone who is sad is not very much fun. But its sure nice to know that anyone else cares. I am dismayed by the fact that there are people in my life who are dear to me that didn't reach out to me at all. And though, I'm not sorry for myself, it makes me wonder how much time I have wasted being more invested in these people than they are in me. I feel like I'm at a place in my life where I just don't waste my time like that anymore.
On the other hand, I want to make sure to cherish the people in my life that have found that time and took the effort to tell me they are in my corner, that they have my back. Thank you. It meant more than I can express.
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Life Goes On
“I always hated when my scars started to fade,
because as long as I could still see them,
I knew why I was hurting.”
The other day, my husband and I were reffing together. I was excited to see a female ref that I had reffed with quite a bit in the high school season. When we had a second she asked how I was feeling and I was surprised. I wasn't sick. And then she referenced the pregnancy. I would have been 22 weeks at that point. I told her about the miscarriage. It was obvious she was caught off guard. But I was caught off guard too. Because I forgot that I was a "victim." I forgot about the miscarriage. I forgot to have my defenses up. I just forgot.
And this is a good thing. It means I'm moving on, sort of.
The other night when I was feeling particularly bratty I told my husband that I wanted to just throw a fit because of the unfairness of it all and he said, "still?"
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Moving On
Last night as I was getting ready for bed I realized that it is time to put away the little box that I have kept on my nightstand with the little molds of the baby's hands and feet, the little blanket that she was wrapped in and the ultrasound photos that I couldn't bear to have up on the corkboard anymore. It's time.
I left them on my nightstand because I wanted to have my memories of that baby close to me. It's been 3 weeks today. It's time.
It's time to not feel sad anymore. It's time to not cry anymore. It's time to be open to what the world will offer. It's time to look to the future. It's time to be present in the present. It's just time.
And so today I took that little box off my nightstand and put it in the bottom drawer. I looked at the hands and feet, something I haven't done since days after delivery, and I didn't cry. I feel sorrow for the poor little baby that we dreamed of. I'm sorry that I couldn't make a proper body for that spirit to dwell in. I'm sorry for all the work I made for my husband and my daughter. I'm sorry for the grief that I have caused my family. I feel like I'm missing out on some of the joys in life. But the time for regrets and sadness is past and soon a day will go by when I won't think about that little baby that we lost. And the time to start in now.
Monday, March 10, 2014
My New Nephew, Blade
My sister-in-law Kayla had her baby boy last Wednesday. He was almost 9 pounds and 22 inches long. He is very healthy and looks like their other kids. I am so happy for her and my brother-in-law Dallan.
We wanted to go see the baby. It is a time of joy and happiness. Family gets to share in these times. My husband said he knew it would be hard so I didn't need to go. But I don't want to be one of those women that can't share in other's happiness because of their own unhappiness. I don't want to miss out on the good times. So we went.
I'll admit I was nervous. I thought when I held him it would make me sad. I didn't want to cry and rain on their parade. But I didn't. Once I saw him, I realized that this is their baby. I don't want their baby. I want mine. And so I was genuinely happy for them. And I'm glad I could share in their joy. I was glad to hold their baby. And I was glad to give him back.
I realized again yesterday how much work newborns are and how tired you are taking care of them. It seems easy to be able to talk myself out of the fact that I want one. But I don't want just any newborn or any baby. I want mine. That makes it worth it. The doctor said one pregnancy cannot take the place of the last but I feel that this journey hasn't been about 6 different babies, it has been about getting a baby. I wish I could get to a place of peace when I think about stopping but I can't get there. So for now my journey hasn't ended.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Defining Me
Just in the past couple days I have felt what I don't want to call depression, but probably defines it correctly, creeping in on me. I have felt pretty good. I reffed 13 games this weekend. I did 4 more monday night. My body feels really good. My kids are happy. They are busy and I am busy running them around and making dinner again. My oldest son is playing lacrosse and my 9 year old is playing soccer. My daughter is trying track for her middle school. My little son just turned 5. My husband got a big promotion and is now branch manager at one of the biggest branches in the credit union. Very soon, his income will pay all our expenses. All these great things are happening and I'm not really finding joy in any of it. Intellectually I can see how good it all is but my heart just isn't in it.
I know that I didn't lose a child. I lost the dream of a child. I still have 4 wonderful kids that I know. I really get them. I can tell you how they will react in a given situation. I can tell you what their teachers and their friends think of them. I can tell you how much they weigh and how tall they are. I can tell you their favorite clothes that they wear and their favorite things to do. I can tell you how they make me feel when we talk and how kind and generous they are. When they'll get mad and how they'll react. I am really nervous now that one of them will die. If I keep acting like things are bad maybe I will get shown how bad they can really be. I worry that my husband will have a heart attack or die in a car accident. I think that maybe I am too ungrateful and that I will have to learn a lesson about that too.
I just want to lay in my nice, cozy, warm bed in my dark bedroom and stay there. I don't even want to cry anymore. This is really not me. I'm not a gloomy, feel sorry for myself type of person. And so I don't go to bed. I get up and clean because I have a home inspection for our foster care license coming up. I stay up and make dinner and gluten free bread and the muffins my family loves. I stay up and watch tv with my husband at night. I run my kids around. But I keep feeling like I'm missing something. The world just seems to have lost some of its color. I keep hoping that I will feel happy and that soon I won't have to make myself do this stuff anymore.
I will run 5 miles again soon and often.
Losing this last baby and all the other miscarriages will not define me. I won't let it. I will get through this too and come out better for it. And I will be happy.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Hope
I had a doctors appointment yesterday which was really just a mental health evaluation. Its been 2 weeks since delivery. My doctor really is so kind. I told him that I was doing fine but he wanted to delve and didn't seem happy until he made me cry a couple of times. That's just how I felt but really I think he wanted to make sure I'm fine.
The thing that is causing me trouble now is the fact that I am making this journey with my husband. And that's not a bad thing, in fact, its a wonderful thing. He is a tremendous strength to me and he seems to be sane when I'm not. I love him and want him to be happy. That's the problem. I feel like I have inflicted all this on him. I feel like I am the cause of his grief. I know that I was the driving force behind trying again and again and again and again and again and again. I feel responsible because its my stupid body that keeps causing all the trouble.
I told this to the doctor and I cried because I can shoulder the responsibility for my own decisions but its really hard when it affects someone else so deeply. The doctor said that I should never feel bad for asking someone to have hope.
Is that what I'm doing? I'm not sure. I can't figure out what is the compelling me to keep trying. The doctor said just yesterday that my chances of having a miscarriage are more than 50%. That's not great odds considering that time and again I fall in the less than 1% category. I don't need more kids. I know that 4 is plenty. I wonder if I would have been satisfied with the kids I have if I had never tried again. Am I just not ready to accept defeat? This sounds more like me. Is it selfish to keep putting my husband and my children through this? At what point will I accept defeat and say enough? My husband said just yesterday that I could talk him into it again. Do I want to do that? Is that fair? Men can always be talked into trying.
The doctor also said that I will be very fertile in the coming weeks. It seems I always am. That's never been my problem, I wish it was. He really wants me to keep going. He feels that it is entirely possible that we can have a healthy baby. He hopes for me to have a great outcome.
I hope that I can accept whatever it is that Heavenly Father has in store for me. I hope that I can get some answers soon. Mostly I hope that I can be happy again.
The thing that is causing me trouble now is the fact that I am making this journey with my husband. And that's not a bad thing, in fact, its a wonderful thing. He is a tremendous strength to me and he seems to be sane when I'm not. I love him and want him to be happy. That's the problem. I feel like I have inflicted all this on him. I feel like I am the cause of his grief. I know that I was the driving force behind trying again and again and again and again and again and again. I feel responsible because its my stupid body that keeps causing all the trouble.
I told this to the doctor and I cried because I can shoulder the responsibility for my own decisions but its really hard when it affects someone else so deeply. The doctor said that I should never feel bad for asking someone to have hope.
Is that what I'm doing? I'm not sure. I can't figure out what is the compelling me to keep trying. The doctor said just yesterday that my chances of having a miscarriage are more than 50%. That's not great odds considering that time and again I fall in the less than 1% category. I don't need more kids. I know that 4 is plenty. I wonder if I would have been satisfied with the kids I have if I had never tried again. Am I just not ready to accept defeat? This sounds more like me. Is it selfish to keep putting my husband and my children through this? At what point will I accept defeat and say enough? My husband said just yesterday that I could talk him into it again. Do I want to do that? Is that fair? Men can always be talked into trying.
The doctor also said that I will be very fertile in the coming weeks. It seems I always am. That's never been my problem, I wish it was. He really wants me to keep going. He feels that it is entirely possible that we can have a healthy baby. He hopes for me to have a great outcome.
I hope that I can accept whatever it is that Heavenly Father has in store for me. I hope that I can get some answers soon. Mostly I hope that I can be happy again.
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